Rules of the Road
Now that I’m using the streets for my commute (versus taking the train), I’m noticing that there really is some validity to the whole Masshole thing. It’s not a stereotype: it’s a reality. A frustrating reality. I’m going to include a few tips for you all. Some must appear in the Driver’s Ed. handbook, others are common sense. Please read carefully:
1 – Use your goddamn turn signal! For crissakes, it’s not that difficult to tap that little bar off your steering wheel. It really benefits those of us behind you (even with a safe distance between us). More importantly, it allows the person in the oncoming direction to know what your plans are.
2 – Speaking of those of us behind you….when you’re behind me, leave a proper space cushion. Tailgating will get you nowhere but in a fender bender. You never know when some stupid kid (or puppy, or deer) is going to decide to mosey in front of the car in front of you. And especially on highways, at 65+ MPH, don’t merge between me and the car in front of me with just a few feet separating us (this happens a lot even when there isn’t a single car behind me).
3 – If your’e going to make a left hand turn onto a street, don’t go to the far right of your lane so that you can make a wider turn. Turn on that freaking blinker (see item #1) and stay as close to the yellow line IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET as possible. This prevents clogging traffic behind you by allowing other cars (and scooters, like me) to pass you.
4 – Learn to merge. If you’re in a traffic jam where lanes are merging, follow the 1x1x1x1 rule. Don’t be a dickwadd and try to block people from merging. Traffic flow seems to go much faster if you just let alternating cars merge into traffic (the car on the left goes, then the car on the right goes, then the car on the left, then the car on the right). Get it?
5 – Speaking of merging, don’t be the bonehead who decides to bypass the traffic jam/merge by driving in the breakdown lane or the lane that is closed to traffic. I hate those folks waiting until the last minute, driving in an illegal lane, then squeezing in aggressively (not following Item #4’s rule) at the last minute. Wait like everybody else. You’re not THAT important.
6 – Don’t drive in the passing lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit. That lane is for passing cars and for people exceeding the speed limit by more than 5 miles per hour. I was amazed in Europe at how people self-inforce this rule. If a car is in a passing lane and a car shows up behind it, the first car ALWAYS merges into the right lane. It’s amazing (and so polite). Sure as hell doesn’t happen here….
7 – Stop multitasking. I hate the swerving Masshole who is busy adjusting his XM stereo, chatting on his cell phone, and drinking his coffee. I see more cars swerving out of their lane as a result of them focusing on things besides their driving. Pick a task (preferably the safe operation of your vehicle) and stick with it.
8 – On a related note, if you have GPS, please enter the address you’re searching for BEFORE you start driving down the street. I’m sick of seeing people’s hands reaching for the windshield pressing buttons as they grind to a halt because, for some reason, people seem to cease accelerating when they’re pushing those buttons. They also end up swerving (see item #7).
9 – Even parking is an issue. Please look out in the mirror before opening your car door. Though this can be an issue for Masshole drivers multitasking (item #7) or playing with their GPS (item #8), but it is also an issue for bicyclists and scooter riders who have to hug the right side of the road. On a related parking note…BACK INTO the parallel parking space. It’ll go a lot faster for you (and the cars stuck behind you).
10 – If you’re lost, pull over to the side of the road. I’m sick of people driving (slowly) and pointing at street signs and slamming on their breaks as they realize they’ve gone too far. If you’re not sure, pull over. If you can’t pull over, turn into a side street and go around the block. Barring an earthquake or a gas leak explosion, the place you’re seeking will still be there in 5 minutes once you’ve gone around the block.
Seriously, people. These are all fairly common-sense things. Truth be told, I think the DMV (or RMV in Massachusetts) should require people to take written tests every 10 years when licenses are renewed for the second time. And I think cops should write tickets for these things that they tend to ignore (like my biggest irk: turn signal use…or lack thereof). Cuz in this state, people aren’t going to change unless there’s a financial incentive to change.
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What? You didn’t get the memo? Turn-signal use is actually illegal in Massachusetts and Rhode Island – your fellow Massholes will assemble en masse and hound you to the borders with Vermont or into the sea if they catch you at this sacriligeous and unnatural practice!
With regard to No. 4 – I agree, and nearly always do merge into the correct/still open lane as soon as possible, but I realize I ALWAYS suffer for this – it is fastest to be the jerk who goes all the way to the front…as I’ve learned when jerks farther back won’t let me in at a reasonable place.
With regard to no. 6 – oh yeah…this one BURNS me – people who drive ABREAST in all the lanes at the speed limit…or considerably below. Dave Barry had a great little essay on the uses of bumper-mounted tactical nuclear weapons on such people…
In a related one, such obstructionist, self-important Masshole behavior isn’t confined to motorists – busy escalators are a pet peeve of mine: in any sensible and polite uniiverse, the lame, halt, or just plain lazy who want to vegetate and just ride the damn thing, stand to the right, single file, allowing those of us who have somewhere to get to to walk up the left side with the mechanical advantage the things were invented for in the first place. I can’t tell you how often, at Back Bay Station (which is a LONG and busy escalator), I find a single pair of usually young broad-beamed women chatting animatedly with one in the left completely obstructing, with a wide open left aisle above them and disgruntled commuters bottled up, uh, behind and below. Today I just angrily said “EXCUSE ME!” and muscled my way through…not terribly polite, but I was pissed and wanted to make a point…
It’s the Anglo in me – in England EVERYONE queues up and does all this properly – to some extent, they’re too sheeplike, but let anyone try to crash such a thing and ALL eyes will be turned upon him disdainfully…as if he’d just dropped trou and left a steaming pile on the rug…which, societally, yes, he’s done a minor equilvalent to, anyway. But, then, this country, particularly this region, was originally peopled with the annoying types who pissed everyone off back home and was exiled to much merriment in the old country…sigh.
I get annoyed with drivers who insist on sneaking behind me, as I back a 48 foot trailer into an alley in Falmouth every day. All I can do is take solace in the fact that the impact will surely do more damage to them than me. Our lives are generally too hectic, and it’s our own fault. We all need slow down a bit. On the streets and everywhere else.
I forgot to mention, LOVE that pic. Very Napoleon Dynamite. Is Pedro there?
Karl, How old are you? Like 95. Hell your parents arent as demanding at driving as you are listed here. Honestly you break a few of these rules yourself. Just because you are behind the wheel of my car does not mean that you drive more safely than I do or anyone else. You sure do complain alot for someone who barely drives. Imagind doing a 20 mile commute daily. Some of these would seem trivial.
I definitely disagree (with Randy). Yeah, I suppose I can just as guilty as the next person in occasionally neglected to do something (getting a bit too close to the car in front of me), but I ALWAYS use a signal…even in parallel parking. But I don’t multitask!
Then again, it might sound like I’m 95, but at the same that that I list these 10 issues, I do have to also say that I appreciate a certain level of the agressiveness in driving here. There’s this unwritten rule, it seems, that people in these parts are in sync with many elements of their aggressiving driving. So much, so, that it provides faster, more efficient, travel.
For a second I thought I was reading another traffic article in the Globe. These issues come up frequently, but nothing changes. I think the only thing that would change it would be automated cameras that catch violators and mail them tickets. However, do we want to be monitored like that? No!
Today, a car slightly ahead of me in the right lane (2 lanes, hes on my right, my lane goes left to the highway and also bears right ) but more or less next to me , with about 1/2 car length infront of me to the next car (we just left a light, and are approaching a hwy on ramp), suddenly put his blinker on and begins moving into me, not in front of me (there is no room), next to me. I speed up, he speeds up, we end up going side by side down a single lane on-ramp, as we get to the merge to the higway, he pulls off to the right (onto the highway) fast and moves up in front of me purposly forcing me into the break down lane, so again I speed up and cut back over so i dont smash into the guard rail. and he does this several times speeding up and cutting back in front of me. Apparently becuase a blinker is actually a “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY OR IM GONNA CRASH INTO YOU”.
Of course I could have slammed on my breaks and let the car behind me drive over me, but somehow that didn’t seem appropriate.