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My White Trash Christmas

…and I wouldn’t have it any other way. (any white trash event in my holiday description will be followed by WT).

I had a great holiday (for the most part). I left work around noon on Friday, went home, packed up my dirty laundry (WT) and took the 4:16 train to Plymouth/Kingston where my parents picked me up. As always, Dusty the Shih Tzu was so happy to see me that she peed (WT) all over the place (my family is now fully aware that whenever they pick me up, the dog must be outside on the sidewalk or else my lap or the car seat gets drenched).

I then hopped in the car an drove to the Cape. We settled in with some frozen pizzas for dinner (WT) because my family has always been about extravagance.

We then went into some fierce rummy playing while eating Lindt’s chocolate truffles and Jujyfruits (WT). Mom won.


On Saturday (Christmas Eve day), we woke up to Cheerios (for them) and Eggo waffles with butter and no syrup for me (WT). Less than an hour later, my mother said she wanted to open gifts then and there. She couldn’t wait until Christmas in case we wanted to exchange anything (WT).

So, for those of you infants reading my blog today, let’s just say that Santa Claus arrived over 24 hours early to my household.

We exchanged gifts. I gave my parents a Canon digital camera (similar to the one I have) and $200 worth of lottery tickets (WT) – a family tradition. You see, my parents actually won the lottery a decade ago so they’re still optimistic that they could win again. Anyway, they did manage to at least break-even.

For me, I got $100 in cash (WT), a shirt, a white noise machine (to help lull me to sleep), lottery tickets (I won $50!), and a bizarre little tray/table that can be pressed down and hidden under the sofa when not in use (WT) since my tiny living room has no end tables or coffee tables.

I assembled this table thing but it was a piece of crap: all plastic, very wobbly. In my efforts to disassemble the damn thing, I managed to slice large chunks of skin of two of my fingers. One was just dangling by a thread. Mom got Band-Aids, dad looked baffled, and I went to the sink to rinse off the carnage.

That afternoon, we played more cards. Mom won again.

That evening, we went to a friend of their’s house for a Christmas Party. I stuffed myself on cookies, cheese and crackers (WT) before the main meal was served. But did enjoy everything in the end. My parents decided we should leave rather early because they felt bad for leaving Dusty home alone on Christmas Eve (WT).

We played Rummy again that night and I won (finally).

On Christmas morning, some of the first words out of my mother’s mouth were “AW, SHIT” (WT) as she dropped a Christmas cookie into her coffee and splattered it everywhere. Actually, she didn’t say those words…she yelled them.

We played more Rummy (I won again), watched lots of TV, and practiced with the camera:


As you can see, after 39 years of marriage, my parents sit about as far away from each other as physically possible on the sofa. That’s love (WT).

On Christmas night we watched “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?” which my parents loved, despite their mixed feelings about inter-racial marriage (WT). Then we played Rummy. I won again.

This morning, my parents drove me back to Boston. Well, to Braintree – where I took the subway back into the city. As we drove on the highway, my mother, the worst back-seat driver ever, kept warning me about merging traffic from the on-ramps and how ALL of those drivers drive like “a hammer out of hell” (WT)

Whatever that means.

Now I’m home, $150 richer, and with a closet full of clean clothes. I’m heading to New York City tomorrow for a few days and then will rest the remaining few days of my vacation.

I hope everybody enjoyed their holidays, too (whether WT or not).




  1. Comment by Alan on December 26, 2005 11:52 pm

    I loved reading about your Christmas festivities. I’m envious that you’ll be in NYC. I would give my brother’s right nut to see “Sweeney Todd.” (How’s that for WT?)

  2. Comment by JC on December 27, 2005 1:12 am

    Alan…I saw it. Patti LuPone was awesome. The production left me cold. So, in brief, you’re not missing much. Karl…glad you had a good holiday, enjoy NYC!

  3. Comment by Spencer on December 27, 2005 1:52 am

    omg, this could be a page out of my own life (WT), i’m from oklahoma, and this really resonates with me… thank god i didn’t go home (WT) this year.

  4. Comment by karyn on December 27, 2005 11:13 am

    Karl (WT), You’ve got a couple things here I take issue with.
    1. What is WT about cash, lottery tix and cheese & crackers? Jesus! You’re such a snob! xxxx
    2. Your parents sit their asses far away from each other on the sofa maybe, but your dad can check out your mother’s legs that way, and ps, did you see how she’s got her foot curved lovingly right up against his leg? THAT’S love.

    Glad you had a good holiday, WT as you seem to think it was.

    PS: What is the Overachievers preferred (forgive me)ejaculatory expression when one drops one’s cookie in one’s coffee, splattering it everywhere? I should know this for future reference…as I scored 2% greater WT than you, I can’t afford any further transgressions against etiquette.


  5. Comment by chrispy on December 28, 2005 1:08 am

    cookie drop ejaculate, southern stylee: “WELL JESUS FUCK !!!” no joke, my brother in law LOVES to use this dainty one….oh and KC forgive me for bailing on you for the NY trip, i had just cause, i swear!

  6. Comment by Robert on December 30, 2005 2:12 am

    Awh, nice to see a picture of your folks!!!!! Thanks Karl. That’s sweet!

  7. Comment by Brad on January 4, 2006 12:45 pm

    I wanna know what happened to the wobbly tray table once you assembled it?

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