Food for Thought
So, yesterday on my commute home I came up with a hypothesis regarding the gay community in Boston. Thoughout the United States, gay men from Boston have, perhaps, the absolute worst reputation for being snobby, aloof, distant and unfriendly. I can’t tell you how many times, after chatting on-line with somebody from another part of the country, I’ve been told that I don’t seem like a typical Bostonian because I’m friendly.
I’ve never really given it much thought before because I was raised in Massachusetts and have spent almost all of my adult life in Boston (excluding 6 months in San Francisco*). This is pretty much the only gay community I’ve really known and it’s always seemed rather normal to me. Plus, when I’ve visited other cities like Washington, DC, New York City or Philadelphia, i’ve noticed no difference.
But yesterday’s commute made me realize something. I got on the red-line at Harvard Square. It was an hour before rush hour, but the train was filling up. I sat down and noticed the guy sitting next to me had a rainbow flag on his messenger bag. As the train was was be-bopping through the tunnel, the man across from me took the latest issue of the Advocate out of a Coop shopping bag (for my breeder-readers, the Advocate is a gay magazine) and started reading it.
As I continued playing voyeur, I noticed two guys a few seats to my left (one seated, one standing). The fellow standing was affectionately close to the to the seated man and kept leaning in close to his ear to talk and listen. Although there were no pink trianges or rainbow flags on either of them, their intimacy (and my oft-times defective gaydar) made the assumption that they were a couple.
And that’s when it hit me. Maybe the reason that Boston’s gay community comes off so aloof and disinterested is because, well, gays are everywhere here? I mean, I suppose if you’re gay and live in Omaha, Nebraska, you may feel some sort of kinship if you see another gay person around. If gay people are so few and far between, I can see how a person would be willing to do almost anything to connect with people with something in common. But here, a single day doesn’t go by where I don’t see local gays on the street, at work, on the train or on local TV (from news anchors like Randy Price and weatherman like David Brown and David Epstein to local congressman and senators like Jarrett Barrios and Barney Frank)
But in Boston, where gay marriage is legal, gay adoption has happened for decades, public schools have gay/straight alliances, and you have protections in housing and employment, gays feel like (almost) equal citizens. I mean, we had gay neighborhoods like the South End, Jamaica Plain and, most recently, parts of Dorchester. But overal, like almost every other neighborhood, the gay community isn’t really isolated in gay ghettos. Gay people live in large numbers in every single neighborhood in the city (including working-class neighborhoods like East and South Boston). Gay people hang out with straight friends at straight clubs here (and straight friends occasionally join gay friends at gay bars).
Don’t get me wrong. Things aren’t perfect here. And this isn’t a defense of rudeness or cruelty (which also exists here…and elsewhere). But the Bostonian in me (gay or straight) doesn’t find it rude to not say hello to a stranger (that’s just the New England thing to do). I just wonder if the large number of gay people (and our assmiliation into the city at large), makes us less likely bond with somebody just for being another gay person?
Thoughts?
*In San Francisco, the gay community is so large that I didn’t notice people being overly friendly (similar to Boston). The big difference there was that all contact that did take place seemed to be for sex only. And the minute you weren’t interested in sex, any interest in you (for conversation or friendship) was over.
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“snobby, aloof, distant and unfriendly?” MOI?
Seriously, if you want to really be immersed in a crowd of Boston’s finest gay men, just go to an opera performance or any theater event in the South End. But I have heard from guys who know the scene in both New York and Boston that there is really a vital difference here in our favor, The NYC scene, they say, is all about bars and gyms. There’s really very little social scene that isn’t connected with meat racks and hooking-up. Here we have a huge number of options–clubs and groups for gay camping and hiking, sailing, various athletic activities, nude gatherings (where sex may happen but social eating, drinking and chatting is the real purpose), book discussion groups like the one I’m in, entire churches, opera and theater companies etc, etc. Boston has a huge and very long history as a gay social and intellectual center. I think a lot of people both straight and gay think New England is a stand-offish place. My experience has been totally different.
Randy Price is gay? Man…my gadar has never worked…*shrug*…I don’t know, maybe you have a point… I don’t really ‘see’ people in terms of their sexuality being their chief characteristic… you’re probably right that if we lived in, say, Missouri or Utah or something it would be somewhat scandalous but here I guess we are relatively libby about it and perhaps we have just become inured to it all? I never thought about it but I can see where it would be on your mind sometimes. Hm. Please feel free to use your Umbrella of Vengeance if I say something wrong here… love you, k
I think you’ve hit on something. When I first started living and working in the Boston area, this was one of the 1st things I noticed – gay people just are. I mean I go to Sam’s Club in Natick with Moe and it’s like gay couple night everytime we go. It’s not just Boston proper – but all around, at least in the eastern suburbs (I have no illusion that parts of Western MA are just as hickish as anywhere else) that gay people have become part of the ‘fabric’ I guess you could say.
The north shore is heavily gay, too. In fact, when Matt and I lived there, we made more gay friends than we had in the previous 6 years in Boston. Once again, Salem had no gay bars…but gays were just everywhere…from the smoothie and juice shop to the antique shop, museum(s) and restaurants Hell, even the Episcopal church had a gay reverend.
So, even in working-class Salem, it was no big deal.
That not necessarily true about Salem. Rumor in Salem is that yet another gay bar is going to open. Despite the large presence of gay/lesbian people, Salem has never been able to support a gay business. The straight community usually gets up in arms…and then the place closes down. There is a severe lack of ‘community’ in the gay folk here which SUCKS.
Hey, Doug. I disagree. I never saw the need for a gay bar in Salem. For one thing, there are two in the next town (Lynn).
What do you mean “yet another gay bar is about to open”? There hasn’t been one in at least the past 5 years, has there.
As for gay businesses – I recall quite a few. They were gay owned, but not gay themed.
As for community, that is where I have to disagree the most. Like I said, we made more gay friends in Salem than we had in Boston. We had such a close network of gay Salem friends that it was tough to leave. We hung out together every weekend (and often, weeknights). Everything from bowling to game night to movie night to dinner. Maybe it’s where you live? LOL
theres an ethan green strip where they make the differentiations between the cities, more specifically the way gay men interact with each other. if i remember correctly, the boston sketch has a drawing of two guys turned away from each other with the text buuble above their heads both reading “hate her”. why do you think this is so?………..otherwise, in NY, people will make eye contact with you and treat you like the last piece of meat on earth.in philly, they will say hello to you and smile politely. in dc, they will openly snub you in the street. in miami, they will tell you why you arent “f*ckable” enough. but thats my jaded exprience. LOL
Maybe my problem is a lack of eye contact. But I’ve been to NYC quitea bit in the past 15 years and not once has somebody made eye contact with me, tried to pick me up, flirted with me, or even acknowledged me. And that didn’t happen to me in Washington or Philly, either (and I was with you, Chris!). Though, I did notice friendlier people in Philly (in general).
On second thought, I think Chris summed it up quite nicely. NYC, Miami, DC (all cities with large gay populations) have similar reputations as Boston…though Boston’s reputation seems to be the worst. I’m not sure why that is…but it seems to be an overall cultural thing versus a Boston-specific thing.
or…the vicious queens in every city should just try to learn to be nicer people. which may or may not be possible.
Yeah!!!
I like Chris’ idea best.
All the vicious queens should take whatever they have up their @$$ and be friendlier.
But don’t you think people, in general, are getting ruder. No says excuse me any more, they just move into your space. Thank you’s and Pleases, are going down the toilet and when the hell are people going to use there directional signals?
I think some cities are snobbier than others, but honestly, I think every gay community from Seattle to Detroit, from Chicago to Atlanta is too snobby for its own good. Drop the attitude people: being gay in a gay mecca is easy. Try being gay and out in Montana, or Alabama. Those people can have all the attitude they want since they need it.