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9 Years, 3 Months, 1 Day…Poof!

I’ve always wanted this blog to be open and honest. I wanted it to be current and representative of what’s going on in my life. However, something major happened a week ago that I didn’t blog about for a few reaons. The biggest reason was out of respect for Matt. I decided not to post anything about it until he did first – until I knew he (and I, for that matter) was comfortable discussing it.

You see, last Thursday, we mutually agreed to end our relationship after nearly a decade. This wasn’t an easy decision by any means (in fact, I’m still questioning it). But after 7 months of couples therapy and countless hours of talking, at this point it seemed like the best option for both of us.

What makes our situation so complicated is that there is no animosity and no anger. We both still love each other tremendously and want the best for each other. Without going into too much personal detail into our past, I think it’s relatively safe to say that we have both grown (or changed) over the past decade and are both very different people than we were when we met. I had just turned 24 when we met. I was incredibly shy and introverted with pretty severe social phobias. I went from living with my family, to living in a dormitory, to living with room mates and then to living with Matt. I had always had people in my life supporting me, urging me, guiding me and, in hindsight, I think this prevented me from really knowing who I am. I was stable to the point of being sheltered.

Meanwhile, Matt was the opposite. When I met him, he was 5 years older than me. He was living on his own, he was fiercely independent and he was incredibly social. He was my mentor. I wanted to be just like him! Inevitably, we’ve adopted many of each other’s characteristics and, in many ways, we’ve completely reversed roles. I’m just not sure either of us wanted to take on those roles.

During our 9 years, we’ve supported each other through financial troubles, trans-continental moves, deaths, births, depression, sickness, new jobs, new friends, 9/11 and countless other ups and downs. We’ve amassed an incredible amount of memories -both good and bad. And over the years I’ve realized that I’ve never known a single person capable of feeling and exhibiting as much love as Matt. Not just to me, but to everybody. He offers that rarist of of rare things: unconditional love.

The couples therapy made us realize that we both have our own individual issues we need to address (for me, they were things I never realized before and, unfortunately, are not things I’m too proud of). Personally, I think that until we tackle those issues on our own, we won’t be fully capable of sharing ourselves with each other. As it was, we were progressively dragging each other down.

Anyway, after a series of simply dreadful therapy sessions, Matt (understandably) decided he couldn’t take the limbo anymore. He needed to know whether I wanted to stay in the relationship or end it. He gave me a week to make my decision. I knew my answer – I love him and wanted it to work out, but I didn’t think it would be healthy for either of us if things remained the same. I suggested giving ourselves a break (to remain a couple but live apart and address our individual issues).

This culminated in something I blogged about last week: the worst night of my life, filled with anquish and tears. And to make matters worse, the one person whose shoulder I could always count on to cry on was the one person whose shoulder I couldn’t go to. It was awful. I mean, I never could have imagined what that would feel like.

I still can’t imagine my life without him in it (the fact that we’re still living together until the property sells is surely a factor). Everything is so amicable that it makes me think there’s still hope. There’s a part of me that is still optimistic that we’ll both successfully tackle our individual demons and reunite in some capacity a few months down the road. I mean, even though we had our problems, there are so many wonderful memories and strong connections between us.



  1. Comment by David on October 28, 2004 11:20 am

    You’ll both be ok, you babyheads!

  2. Comment by Allen on October 28, 2004 1:49 pm

    On January of this year, I ended a seven-year bad relationship. Ten months later I’m still off-kilter. I can’t imagine what it would be like to end 9 years of a good one. My current theme song is “There’s a Fine Fine Line” from “Avenue Q.”
    You guys seem so careful of each other, I think that really helps. Mainly it takes time.

  3. Comment by jeff on October 28, 2004 3:58 pm

    I’m pretty sure that whatever I would say would end up sounding pretty stupid, so I’ll just say that you’re in my thoughts and I hope things work out for the best.

  4. Comment by matt on October 28, 2004 11:31 pm

    my heart is breaking

  5. Comment by Underling on October 29, 2004 12:41 pm

    For the first time ever, I cried reading blogs today. I feel for you guys so much. I hope things work out or the best.

  6. Comment by chrispy on October 29, 2004 4:57 pm

    should we be sending condolence bouquets?

  7. Comment by Thom on October 29, 2004 6:15 pm

    I know this is a hard situation to deal with, and I wish the best for both of you.

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