Motherfucking Insanity
This week has been really, really hard. And I put it down to the overwhelmingness of the job search. My calendar has been utterly overwhelmed with career events and talks, I’ve spent two nights after work at recruiting events or related talks, I’ve had at least one or two talks or events to go to each day, and my head freaking hurts from all of the information coming in, and the conflicted emotions it’s causing.
I haven’t gotten jack shit done in research. Good example: today. I was up late last night after attending a recruitment event for Innosight at the Charles Hotel, and had a terrible time getting out of bed in the morning. I made it in to work just in time for the JAWG meeting at 10, which lasted until noon. Then I grabbed some lunch. Now I have a pitifully short period of time before the next presentation I should go to, at 2:30, which—if the last week is a guide—will be utterly unproductive, because my head is spinning with job-hunting indecision, anxiety, and uncertainty. It takes time to go from practicing your answers to interview questions about your leadership qualities, or digesting a potential employer’s presentation and interaction, to figuring out how to plot individual character states on a morphospace in R. These activities reside in very different spheres, and it is exhausting beyond belief to try, daily, to go back and forth between them.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I have gotten no research work done in the last week, and almost none in the last two. I’ve gathered an assload of impressions and information about consulting, business culture, the range of employment out there, Inkling, interviewing, resumes, business model innovation theory, and how to prepare for case interviews. But I’m feeling more overwhelmed than ever, and am coming ever closer to packing it in and giving up on the job search for this round. I need to focus on the PhD to get it done. It will not get done at this rate. I will find something, anything, to feed, clothe, and shelter myself for a year once I am done. I want to focus on this. I want to get it done. And then I want a sabbatical, some time off of serious career brain work, to figure out my next steps. It can’t all happen at the same time. It’s too much pressure and if I keep subjecting myself to it I’m just going to crack.
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Beau
September 26, 2011 @ 5:44 am
Wow, it really does sound like you had a rough week. I hope the weekend was as restful as possible, and while no one can expect you to come back to work today feeling a million dollars, perhaps we can settle for a crisp, newly minted $20 bill… I look forward to hearing more of your adventures on the career circuit when we chat tomorrow, but in the meantime I just wanted to say “amen, brother” to the flood of emotions you’re clearly struggling with right now. I think it’s a massive challenge at the best of times – with nothing else on, no emotional or intellectual demands other than the research – to make headway on difficult research. To do so while also navigating the Lake Victoria of career fairs (wide, deep and full of suffocating water hyacinth / consulting firms) is nigh on impossible. As you know, I’ve been incredibly impressed with your ability to approach the serious question of your next steps with oodles of sensible, honest reflection and a commitment to be open-minded. Really impressed. I mean, frack, you went to a Bain & Co. presentation! Former hunting grounds of the Stormin’ Mormon, Mr Romney. Wow. But perhaps now is the time to quit while you’re ahead – as you say, you’ve learned a great deal, and probably got what you came for, and now it’s time to re-focus on the work once more. Either way, really well done on putting yourself out there and absorbing as much as you can. Looking forward to hearing more tomorrow.