Author: Skylar Grace (Page 5 of 6)

It’s Spring Break. I should be excited. I should be playing outdoor or binge watching Netflix and do nothing.

Instead, I’m feeling nervous and anxious. A simple group meeting or any exchanged conversations with classmates would make me unease.  I tracked every word I said/wrote. I am seeking for ‘approval’. I’m worry about how people judge me. I don’t want people to think I am slacking around or not contributing to any projects.

I am tired of pulling a ‘racism’/’sexism’/ ‘leanIn’/’management guru’  checklist to whatever communication I’ve encountered. And I try to keep my vow with my baby that I should have a new set of eye to see this world differently. I tried to seek the most comfort in all situation. But sometimes, I just have to bite my tongue and to defend my work. I won’t be shy giving you my feedback, if you give me the invitation.

But I am tired. Probably because I’ve been thinking too much. I’ve been too sensitive. And I’ve been making a lot of judgement to others and to myself.

I just want to lay down and to feel the Summer breeze.

I was a clinician by training. I had 2 degrees in nutritional science. To me (by logic), the theory in Chinese medicine has never aligned with what I was taught at school (and what I was told by my OBGYN).

But as a human being, when there’s no closure can be given by Western medicine…you want to try something else. A way to give yourself some hope…something tangible to work on.

My OBGYN said all my night sweat, fatigue, headache are the result of hormone, esp after childbirth…There’s no solution and no medicine to cure but to take it easy and WAIT.

My Chinese Dr said I am literally ‘too weak’. How he explained was that I don’t have enough ‘chi’ to circulate my blood. Before I want to do anything (or try again), I need to get my ‘blood’ running again.

For those who are not familiar with Chinese medicine, the dr would usually check your pulse and look at your tongue before writing you a ‘herbal recipe’, which you need to buy the herbs and to boil them with water at home.

It isn’t my first time seeing Chinese dr. I grew up in Hong Kong and my family gave me herbal soup many times when I was a child.

Does it help? I have to say it does provide me a pretty good alternative when your Western dr knew birth control pill is the ‘only’ way to ‘regulate your cycle’. When it comes to women’s health, I seriously doubt the effects of contraceptive pill, as a way to police our ‘mother nature’.  Therefore, I started going to see a Chinese Herbal Dr a couple years ago. I don’t know what is the chemistry behind the herbs….but a simple herbal soup does give me the strength and regularity that a pill can’t.

My Chinese dr only charged me for $10 per visit and all the personalized herbal Rx for a whole week only cost me less than $40 bucks. Plus, he works everyday (except Wed) from 9 to 4. Better than the Affordable Care, isn’t it?

The herbal soup

So here I am….on day 1 ‘post miscarriage’ herbal therapy. I have a Rx that I can’t read, except my last name.

The Rx

I would be lying to you if I told you I have fully recovered.

The most difficult part of saying farewell to your unborn child is…you can’t bury the body, you don’t get to see / hold for the very last time, you don’t really know when ‘exactly’ it passed. And above all, you don’t have a closure.

None of the human experience can prepare you for that

I don’t know how others process it. After reading miscarriage forums for weeks, my case is just 1 of 100xx of many families experienced. A lot of women miscarried more than 3x and are still trying. I applaud them. But I don’t see myself there….I am already ‘frozen’. I don’t know how to move forward.

If all goes well, I am graduating in 2 months. I don’t know how to respond to Qs like “what do you want to do after that?”, “have you been interviewing or looking for jobs?” or “how do you want to make use of your degree?”

No offense to all. It might not be socially acceptable to say “I don’t know”. It might even be a ‘sin’ as I seem to check myself out from the job market…ditching all social events in the Valley, where ‘breaking the ceiling’ is what we are ought to do…

All I know is…I want to return to the time when my baby and I were happily jogging along the Charles River. I want to re-live the moment when ‘we’ both shared a bowl of tomato pork soup based ramen in Somerville.

I just want to live.

I want to carry something that would help me remember my baby. Its birthday (due date) is Sept 16. Birthstone for Sept is Sapphire. A week after I had my DC surgery, I ordered a handmade necklace with a Sapphire stone from Kansas, thinking I would get to wear it wherever I go…Ironically, I forgot my skin is sensitive to metal. Upon I put the necklace on, I developed rash all over my chest. It became even worse after numerous of night sweat (typical symptom after child birth). This happened just like how some people explain the cause of miscarriage, that is your body would simply reject / discontinue the development when ‘it’ is not meant to be….

I refused to just put this necklace aside. The color of the Sapphire stone is so beautiful that just like how this baby ‘shines’ in my heart. Thanks to my dad who left me zillions of plastic wire ties when he last visited me… I then took the Sapphire stone pendant from the necklace, tied it to my Alex & Ani bangle bracelet with my husband’s initial on it. I cut the tail of the tie and burnt the edge a little bit just to polish the end. It is far less than perfect from the professional jewelry maker (plus I ain’t a good hand crafter at all). But at least, I get to wear it now.

At least, it’s something I can physically hold on….

Soon after I knew about my miscarriage, I started looking up tons of information (solutions, causes, diagnosis test, etc). But surprisingly, the only take away I had after reading pages and pages of info…the only thing that stick in my mind was “we all grief differently. Don’t force your partner to grief the way as yours…”

It all came down to what I want to do to make this pain less hurtful.

I wanted the world to send blessing for my unborn child. First and foremost, wherever s/he is, I wanted this child to be accompanied with love and peace.

So I immediately texted a friend of mine in Kauai, who goes to a local temple. I asked her to give us a prayer.

I also wanted my close friends and families to know I need companions. I needed someone to grieve and cry with me. I am too fragile to handle this all alone. I lost a child. How can I bury it with silence? Why should I bury myself with pain and loneliness? So I went to my personal blog, made the announcement and sent it to a few people.

The responses were surprisingly warm and loving. While we have no families and relatives nearby, the virtual connection from texts, email and phone call were essential for me to survive the first (darkest) few days.

A couple days later, I wanted more people to know. Not much about asking people to sob with me…but I want the bigger world to know my child, our child has left us. It’s a life that deserves attention and love. Yet, s/he didn’t make it to see the world. I want ‘us’ to recognize his/her presence. I want our baby to know ‘we’ are showering him/her with love and gratitude.

It is also an ‘outlet’ for me to send a message to the world that I could never reach.

And then I hit the ‘Post’ button on Facebook and left my blog URL there.

For the next few days, I was floored by the support and messages across the globe. From Sweden to Canada to Hong Kong, people are sharing their experiences, thoughts and warm wishes with us.

I am not alone in this journey. I am wrapped around by kindness, love and humanity.

They might not cure my pain. But they sure touched and warmed my heart and soul.

Hi baby,

Mommy has been thinking about what’s the best way to remember you. Some parents who went through the similar experience might plant a tree, make a necklace with the baby name/birthday, or sponsoring a memorial chair in the park or something…

As much as your mommy loves tree and parks, I can’t imagine seeing a dog peeing on your name (thanks to your sister’s best practice =) or termites eating up the tree…

Since you are forever living in my heart, I think the best way to honor you is for mommy to make a vow to you.

I came to realize that (esp after reading Martha Beck’s article on Labyrinth) it is not much about what enlightenment or meaning I can get from your departure. Rather, it is how you’ve changed me since you came to my life. With this vow, mommy will carry you and will turn the meaning of your existence to make this (and my) world a better place.

With this vow…

I will take good care of myself as it’s the best way to honor you.

I will try to use my ‘new set of eyes’ to see this world. To make peace. To seek the most comfort in every moment.

If daddy and I are fortunate to pregnant (with your brother / sister) again, I will make sure I’ll spend each and every single day with your daddy. No trip or long distance alone.

I will put my happiness and comfort above all.

I will forever treasure the time and days we spent together.

I will forgive more. Try to leave no pain behind.

I will live my life to the fullest as it’s the best way to honor you, my first child.

Today marks the 1st week ‘anniversary’ of my surgery. I am recovering well and hope that I can be back to my daily routine soon.

Thanks to the most patient, loving and caring ‘nurse’ on the planet – my husband. He has no medical background =) but I wouldn’t be able to go through this ordeal if he wasn’t here with me. I sweat so much in the middle of night these days that he has to wake up at least a few times to help me change clothes. He powers through work just to try to get home early enough to check on me and walk our dog. And thanks to the universe for such a flexible working schedule. He almost has never left my bedside since it all started.

Sometimes I think…if I didn’t have this experience, I would have taken all these for granted.

In the mid of catching up homework and study, I managed to read a very inspiring article yesterday called “The Labyrinth of Life” by Martha Beck.

Here it said …

“In the moments you stop trying to conquer the labyrinth of life and simply inhabit it, you’ll realize it was designed to hold you safe as you explore what feels dangerous. You’ll see that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, meandering along a crooked path that is meant to lead you not onward, but inward. ”

“And as you learn to see the dappled loveliness of your life, as your new eyes help you begin loving the labyrinth, you’ll slowly come to realize that the labyrinth was made solely for the purpose of loving you.”

At this very moment, I just want to wear my dress, walk along the beach with my husband and feel the Summer breeze…

Today is my 5th day after the surgery. My head hurts so much that even Advil can’t help.

It only occurs to my right side of my head. I can even feel exactly where it hurts. It’s like something bruising behind my right eye ball.

I can’t really follow my study / homework schedule. Luckily, my classmates are wonderful enough to help out. And I was able to complete another assignment last night. Even I skipped today’s session with my tutor, at least I am not too behind.

I felt guilty for 15 mins for lying on my bed and ditching my meeting with tutor. But then the ‘inner me’ said “you’ve done your homework yesterday anyway. And if lying here makes your head feel better, then by all means, do what’s the best for your body now…”

So I turned off my alarm, kept my dog on my tummy and closed my eyes.

It was the most peaceful, comfortable, pain-free 30 mins nap till it was time to feed my dog.

Slow is fast. Gentle is powerful and stillness moves mountains.

Our society and system taught us to think logically.

We went to to school, we followed the syllabus, we tested the equation. We got points (credits) if our answer was right.

We live in a science based world (at least it’s what I believe). So when something happened unexpectedly, our first reaction is ‘Why?’, ‘What went wrong?’ or ‘How did we fix it?’ as if we know everything is 1+1 = 2.

And when life throws us a curve ball, it devastates us even more as we (sometimes) are left with no trace of evidence or what caused it. Our emotion are completely messed up by our habit of reasoning. The urge of knowing the ‘why’ puts us in deep frustration.

As I am writing this, I too am reasoning why I lost my child…why this happened to me.

As much as I love business valuation in my field, I started wondering why we need all these equations as we might have no control over the macro system at the end. Life is so unexpected that no matter how precise we calculate, we are still the bystander.

The real questions are…are you brave enough to face another or unlimited curve balls in life? And can you ignore the voice of ‘why’ / ‘Why me?’