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We’re Like, So Mature

I watched Closer
and what a pile of pretentious shit that movie is. There were
occasional nice moments but overall the movie was screaming “THIS IS A

The movie reminded me of We Don’t Live Here Anymore
in the way it tries WAY too hard to seem adult and complicated and
therefore just announces itself as adult and complicated without really
having the substance. The most ridiculous moment: Natalie Portman
turning away to look out the window after acknowledging that she heard
her boyfriend Jude Law hitting on Julia Roberts, then turning back and,
with a tear running down her face, asks Julia to take her picture. Oh
how meaningful (spit). Then the picture of course becomes part of
Julia’s exhibit and becomes famous. (vomit.)

Plus, what woman anywhere, ever, for any reason, would ever leave Clive Owen? For smarmy Jude Law, no less. I mean, seriously.

But as I said there were some nice things about it. I liked that Clive
Owens was set up as the brutish former working-class doctor who is
oriented toward the concrete and physical world, to contrast with Jude
Law’s arty dreamy romantic writer-type guy (who I wanted to punch the
entire time, and not just becaues he’s Jude Law), and that Jude Law’s
type was shown to be the true brute, as most romantic arty men are
(spit). One good line–Jude is confronting Clive in his doctor’s office
and is going on about his heart, and Clive jumps up and yells “What do
you know about the human heart? Have you ever seen a human heart? It
looks like a fist wrapped in blood.”

But the film didn’t live up to its potential. It tried too hard and was
too impressed with itself. It had zero subtlety. And it had three of
the most annoying actors in Hollywood as its co-leads (Jude Law,
Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts). I wish they had all committed suicide
and ended their suffering–and mine. And leave lovely Clive free to
find less pretentious, self-absorbed assholes to hang out with.

And, finally, if you want to see the way a film about “mature” and
“complicated” relationships is done well, see Andrew Bujalski’s Mutual Appreciation.

10 Responses to “We’re Like, So Mature”

  1. Chuck
    July 7th, 2005 | 3:12 pm

    Weird. I initially wrote a glowing review of this film, but now I’m inclined to agree with yours. The film was pretentious, for sure, and Jude Law, in particular, seemed almost completely unlikebale, especially compared to Clive Owen who deserved much better.

  2. cynthia rockwell
    July 7th, 2005 | 3:51 pm

    i’m glad i could win you over from the dark side! i read your review and one of the commenters noted that he liked the dialogue becuase ‘every line has meaning’–that’s exactly what i hate about it. people don’t talk that way. it’s personal preference though, i just prefer more realistic dialogue. especially in a film that thinks it’s being so “real,” but is actually completely transparently contrived.

  3. snjoseph
    July 7th, 2005 | 4:39 pm

    I loved Clive Owen’s work in Privateer 2: The Darkening!

  4. snjoseph
    July 7th, 2005 | 4:40 pm

    I loved Clive Owen’s work in Privateer 2: The Darkening!

  5. snjoseph
    July 7th, 2005 | 4:40 pm

    I loved Clive Owen’s work in Privateer 2: The Darkening!

  6. snjoseph
    July 7th, 2005 | 4:40 pm

    I loved Clive Owen’s work in Privateer 2: The Darkening!

  7. snjoseph
    July 7th, 2005 | 4:43 pm

    I loved Clive Owen’s work in Privateer 2: The Darkening!

  8. cynthia rockwell
    July 8th, 2005 | 9:57 am

    wow, i can see that you do.

    did you actually see it?

  9. snjoseph
    July 8th, 2005 | 11:40 am

    Er, sorry about all the comments. Your, ah, “unique” blog software shares some (ie, all) of the blame.

    As far as Privateer 2 goes, not only did I see it, I played it. It’s a video game!

  10. dvd
    July 9th, 2005 | 12:39 am

    I liked Closer – it was pretty refreshing to see what Nichols did to the play, about which I pretty much felt the way you feel about the film. I also really liked the whole cast – and Julia Roberts more than anyone else, but I think I’m in the minority there.

    One other thing that helped my viewing, I think, was that I really didn’t look at it as being ‘real’ – because it most definitely isn’t.