Psychology of Social Connection

Let’s start off this post the way Prof. Perry started off the lecturette for this week: with music. Who listens to top music tracks?? College kids. What do college kids like?? Dancing, partying, having sex, listening to music, drinking and, well, other such substances. But mostly, ~romance~. What are pretty much all top 40 most popular songs about, going back to the 1960s?? Everything I just mentioned college kids like, but again, mostly ~~romance~~ (Christensen et al, 2018). This isn’t a coincidence. Most humans love, well, love. And Kat and I figured that since we’re all probably missing the spicy moments of meeting or crushing on a potential romantic partner on campus, we’d remind you (and ourselves) of the typical on campus love story. 

So, here are the 6 stages of a college romance. ?

Stage 1: The Butterflies. ?

You look at the top-right corner of your screen and 3 digits haunt you: 1:01 AM. You look at the bottom-left corner and breathe a sigh of resignation: 53 Words. Espresso in hand, you look around the quiet floor of Lamont Library and you see them. It seems like you see them everywhere, after all, you’re in two of the same classes. Here, they’re wearing jeans and a Patagonia sweater, but still manages to get your heart rate up and release butterflies in your stomach. You see their head buried in John Stuart Mill and start to wonder, maybe I should also find a Patagonia sweater (and no, unlike most Harvard students, you actually don’t have a kink for Patagonia fleeces) and read about liberty… That’ll make a good conversation topic.

Welcome to your crush! To you, they feel like they’re the one and the sole person you’re attracted to. But if you believe this is just a simple coincidence, there’s evidence that there is more going on. Moreland and Beach (1992) found that people are more attracted to people who they are more familiar with. Yes! Merely seeing someone more (you don’t even have to be interacting with them) might make you more attracted to them. But this isn’t a bad thing, it doesn’t mean that you don’t truly like them, it’s simply your brain trying to protect you against the scary unknown. So, go ahead and try to impress them. But be careful, make sure to be yourself. Especially if your crush is a close friend or someone else who means a lot to you, it’s normal for your identity to shift to include a bit of them, but that overlap shouldn’t get too big. (more on that soon from Gracie!…)

Stage 2: The Question. ?

You ironed your Patagonia fleece this morning before putting it on (just kidding, you don’t own an iron) and you read your philosophers. You’re ready for anything. In your mind, you run through all the pleasantries and brief conversations you had with them, more importantly, you run through all the ways to say the words “do you have any plans Friday night?” Then, the perfect opportunity comes. Just as you’re exiting Sanders Theatre, you see them. You walk over and they say hi to you. You’re feeling good, it’s time. “Hey, are you doing anything Friday night?”

Well done you! You’re on your way to success. But you might wonder, did you do the right thing to ask this question? An important thing to remember is that asking someone out, even if it seems like a simple question to you, might put your crush in an uncomfortable position. In fact, Bohns and DeVincent (2019) found that both men and women underestimate how tough it is to be asked out by someone when the feeling isn’t mutual. Certainly, do ask your crush out and who knows, your feelings may be reciprocated, But be aware of the context. If you’re in a professional relationship with this person, consider any power dynamics or simply make sure that you’re creating an environment of respect. Also, give your crush a way out if they’re indeed not interested, you might be putting more pressure on them to say ‘yes’ than you intend.

Stage 3: The First Night. ?

That night you toss and turn in your bed. You’re excited, they agreed to have dinner with you on Friday!!! But you’re also nervous, what are you going to do? How are you going to get them to like you??? Exhausted from the day, you finally fall asleep. But the next morning, you open up your laptop and start searching….

What could you search for? Well, one thing that you might want to look at is the 36 Questions (Aron et al. 1997b). Sure, you can talk about anything and you don’t have to use all 36 questions, but don’t just talk about whether or not it’s Patagonia weather (it always is). Instead, be vulnerable. It’s hard to do so during the “first date,” but give it a shot. Take some time, brew some tea, and dim the lights. Sure, you don’t have to talk about your deepest and darkest secret, but ask meaningful questions, be human. Or maybe take some inspiration from a robot…

Stage 4: The Consistent “Thing.” ?

Kat calls this stage the “putting 2 Twin XL beds together” stage, and yeah, that pretty much sums it up perfectly. Are we friends, are we friends with benefits? Are we not friends, but have benefits? Are we official, are we exclusive, am I monogamous, do I want to be tied down, am I having a relationship crisis?!?!? Who freaking knows, but at this point, you know you like this person. You wouldn’t be spending all this time together if you didn’t. Who even cares if you don’t have all the details figured out yet (the day WILL come when you have to tell them you aren’t all that into Patagonia), because you’re in this state of euphoria. Nothing about this person is sending you running (away, not towards them, to be clear), and this is good news. But why do we keep going back, wanting more of this person, and each day, falling harder??

This might have something to do with Aron & Aron Self-Expansion Theory (1997a), whereby we have a tendency to want to become very close and intimate with someone for a few distinct reasons. We want to expand our self-concept, and this can be done by essentially taking on a bit of another person and using that to help define ourselves. Additionally, we want to expand our group circles, and by coming close with someone else, we expand our circle of people to include that person’s as well. This helps us feel like we belong, and it’s progress towards the next step, making it official. 

Stage 5: Making it Official. ?

[Midterm] seasons pass, the weather changes, the Patagonias remain, and the thing (that we don’t have labels for because it’s 2020 and labels are lame) that you’ve had with this person is going steady. But one thing is to remain: When is one of you going to pop THE question? 

Becoming official in a relationship seems (or feels) like a stamp of approval, an official seal, of belonging. And that’s what this class is all about right? Humans have a fundamental need for belonging (Baumeister & Leary, 1995), and becoming official with someone is like making a pact to provide each other with consistent love, nurturing, and enjoyment. Finally becoming official with another human who you have an intimate relationship with may not be the only belonging we need, but it’s definitely an exemplary feeling of belonging. Let me know if I’m out on too far of a limb here, but this also reminds me of the Pickett, Gardner, & Knowles (2004) article we read in Empathy week, which found that people who are craving belonging are more sensitive to different aspects of social cues such as vocal tone. Is this not us, on the edge of our seat, wondering when we will get our seal of approval??? Just a thought.  

Stage 6: The Married Couple. ?

Honeymoon phase is over. You’ve been through all those awkward pubescent-like stages of forming a romantic relationship and now here you are, married. Well, not actually, but you know what I mean. You’re off the market, you’re #committed. Things are normal! There’s less nerves, this person is now your person, and at this point, there’s probably not much that your boo doesn’t know about you (minus maybe the terrible Patagonia truth). Routines have developed, and who knows, maybe you’ve even dropped the “L” word. 

A friendly reminder though. Your S.O. still can’t read your mind (no matter how cool they are) and they still need help interpreting your thoughts and feelings. Not going to recommend couple’s therapy to an undergrad couple because that seems, idk, too soon? However, there are a few things we can learn from couples who went through Theory of Mind training (lovingly referred to as “ToM.”) In this week’s reading, we learned that conscious effort, focus, and attention on developing ToM abilities in couples was a success. Steady couples who underwent an 8 week program that focused on developing skills associated with cognitive and emotional empathy, as well as perspective taking, showed significant improvements in all these in comparison to the control. In addition, couples who went through the ToM training program were better able to ascribe and be sensitive to their partner’s mental states and emotions (Ramezani et al, 2020). While this may seem like a lot of work, it suggests that in an intimate and romantic relationship, empathy, perspective-taking, and mind perception play a big role in the viability of a meaningful romantic relationship.  

And you lived happily ever after. The end. Unfortunately, our childhood dreams of fairytale love and miracles don’t always turn out to be true. But you can get close. Having read through all six stages of a relationship, you’re ready to love and be loved. But there’s one more thing we missed. In fact, if there’s only one thing you take away from reading this, it’s to have gratitude. It’ll make you happier and it’ll grow your relationship (Gordon et al. 2012). ?

? – Gracie

? – Kat

References 

Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1997a). Self-expansion motivation and including other in the self. In Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions, 2nd ed (pp. 251–270). John Wiley & Sons Inc.

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997b). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497

Bohns, V. K., & DeVincent, L. A. (2019). Rejecting unwanted romantic advances is more difficult than suitors realize. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10(8), 1102-1110.

Christenson, P. G., de Haan-Rietdijk, S., Roberts, D. F., & ter Bogt, T. F. M. (2019). What has America been singing about? Trends in themes in the U.S. top-40 songs: 1960–2010. Psychology of Music, 47(2), 194–212. https://doi.org/10.1177/0305735617748205

Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028723

Moreland, R. L., & Beach, S. R. (1992). Exposure effects in the classroom: The development of affinity among students. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 28(3), 255–276. https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-1031(92)90055-O

Pickett, C. L., Gardner, W. L., & Knowles, M. (2004). Getting a Cue: The Need to Belong and Enhanced Sensitivity to Social Cues. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30(9), 1095–1107. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167203262085

Ramezani, A., Ghamari, M., Jafari, A., & Aghdam, G. F. (2020). The Effectiveness of a ToM Training Program in Promoting Intimacy between Married Couples. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2020.1782285