Everything begins again
Well, classes are about to start up here at Harvard, and everyone is back, filling the Square. Ran into my friend Luis a few minutes ago and hung out quite agreeably. Have an interview to be a Non-Resident Tutor in Mather House in about an hour and a half. Plenty of meetings tomorrow, and two drinks to get together for tonight.
But what’s most on my mind of late has been the visit of my younger brother to the area over the last couple of days. As regular readers will have picked up between the lines, my mom and dad have a lot of difficulties with my homosexuality, based primarily upon their beliefs as conservative to moderate evangelical Christians. (NOTE: Evangelicals and fundamentalists are NOT the same thing. My parents are not fundamentalists by any means. Please don’t confuse them….) In their view, my being gay is problematic but only insofar as I “act on it.” They know that there’s nothing I can do about the fundamental state, but they would prefer that I remain out of any sort of relationship, because they think that’s wrong. They won’t meet BF at their house; I can come to their house, but he cannot come with me. I’ve let them know that I’m sorry they feel this way, but I have to make my own moral choices and do what I think is right. As a result, I do not wish to visit their house, and we do most of our communication via e-mail.
My brother is also something of an evangelical, but he’s also a center-left political person. He hates the Bush admin, doesn’t vote for Republicans, has a generally positive view of some wealth redistribution, and so forth. But his religious legalism comes into play in a couple of ways, and these are bothersome to me, and they have been especially evident over the last few days that he has been here.
I guess I should explain that my brother is fairly introverted and also a writer, so most of his human interaction comes via words, it seems to me. Also, we don’t have a particularly close relationship: it’s not that we dislike one another, as far as I can tell, but we don’t talk to one another very much. And I don’t think that we have much in common, either. I have this feeling that my brother and I would not be friends or spend time together if we were not related. My brother is also a curmudgeonly and somewhat misanthropic sort of guy. So he’s not big on people in general. And finally, as regards me, he doesn’t really want to talk about my gayness, but he’ll deal with it. Regardless, I have no real idea what he thinks, but I often feel like he disapproves of who I am and is even disgusted by it. (The latter part I may be projecting, and since he HAS been willing to meet BF and hang out with him, I may be thinking worse than might actually be the case.) Mostly, I can’t tell which combination of these reason explains why I feel like he doesn’t like me.
But I don’t particularly enjoy hanging out with him, I find. He doesn’t talk much, and I find him often condescending, especially about interests we potentially share, like music, cycling, or such. I get really angry when he orders me around, such as when I say “Jesus!” as an expression of exclamation. His response is “Different word!” (And mine now will be, “It’s not your place to order me around. If you have a problem with something I say or do, you need to discuss it, not stomp on it. And you also need to be aware that there are things that you do that offend me.”)
But I feel somewhat regretful that we don’t have a closer relationship. He’s not a significant person in my life. And I feel like I often enough try to reach out and have a relationship with him, by calling occasionally and trying to see him when I’m in California, but I’m not sure there’s any reciprocity there. I feel like I’m trying, but I’m not getting anything back. And there’s a big part of me that wants to just cut my losses in the end. If he wants a relationship, that’s fine, but I’m rather tired of putting effort into something that feel so one-sided. I don’t enjoy spending time with him, and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of the relationship, and I don’t have any indication that I’m doing anything that he’s deriving any benefit from either.
Part of this could also be a projection from the situation with my mom and dad, I acknowledge.
It’s not that I don’t want a relationship with my brother. But I feel as if I am the person making all the effort at the matter, and it takes two people to do this. I can’t make him like me or really want to spend time with me, and I feel like giving up.
Ecto blogging software
12 September 2003 at 3:17 am.
Hey Nate,
Sorry to hear about your family disappointments. Of course, we all have them. I have yet to meet someone with a perfect family life. Yet, you have courage to post about it on the blog. I mostly get embarrassed thinking about family issues 🙂
I must admit that I couldn’t imagine growing up in a ‘strict’ Christian family. I think I would feel too suppressed. Even after I became a Christian I started to feel that my friend (who witnessed to me) was starting to become a bit ‘dictoral’ in pointing out all the ‘corrections’ that needed to take place in my personal life. I really don’t take too well to authority figures.
The truth is that God does not require us to _be_ or _do_ anything physically, He only requires belief, acceptance and trust in Him. After all, in Corinthians there were many recently converted Christians in incestuous relations as well as homosexual relations. The important thing for them was that they were no longer spiritually empty, but full. Physical change follows naturally from spiritual change, yet takes time. However, it is better to be spiritually perfect in God’s eyes and be physically imperfect (or sinful), than to be both spiritually and physically imperfect in God’s view.
Ok, I honestly think I have to drop the bible pimp name otherwise I’m going to start thinking that I’m some kind of ghetto preacher 🙂 I mostly can’t stand when people preach to me about the bible to try to ‘teach me some lesson’ (I feel like it can sometimes insult my intelligence) and yet here I am being annoying… aaah I must resist the urge… 😀
12 September 2003 at 11:12 am.
Thanks.
Of course, the rub of it all is that as far as I know, my homosexuality and my relationship with my BF are not sinful in the least. They are part of who I am, and since God made me this way, they are good.
I don’t believe God expects us or even desires us to become His full people on our own. Part of growing into a relationship with God is learning that God’s got you at present pretty much where you’re supposed to be, and God will shape you into the person you can be through the process of developing in one’s faith (whatever that may be, I think).
12 September 2003 at 9:18 pm.
Nate, I won’t touch the religious issues, but instead might offer somthing on the family side instead.
As an only child I won’t pretend to understand what it’s like to have a sibling, but it does seem to me that to share blood and a common background is worth quite a lot. You don’t have to like your brother any more so than he need reciprocate; I like to think that family ties run deeper than sharing political/religious views or even liking each other. What does it mean that your brother visited you at all, irritating exchanges and whatnot aside? He must feel some bond with you, even if he does seem not to like you; and on your side, your long commentary hardly suggests indifference to him, and I’m convinced that there’s something there that makes a real and meaningful bond.
18 September 2003 at 5:31 pm.
I was reading this passage:
‘I get really angry when he orders me around, such as when I say “Jesus!” as an expression of exclamation. His response is “Different word!” (And mine now will be, “It’s not your place to order me around. If you have a problem with something I say or do, you need to discuss it, not stomp on it. And you also need to be aware that there are things that you do that offend me.”)’
You know, your brother comes off better in this imaginary exchange that you do. I mean, he may be annoying and all, but if you actually uttered your retort, you’d sound like an ultra-prig. Just use a different word, for Christ’s sake!
I’ve got five siblings, and there have been times when I can barely tolerate the conceited nonsense that comes out of one or the other’s mouth. It has literally enraged me (though I tend to suppress that in there presence). But, you know what? Having gone these sorts of cycles over many years, I’ve concluded that most of the time I’m sparking on some underlying tension and not on the specifics of the conversation at all.
Anyway, at least he comes and visits you.
Cheers
Chris
19 September 2003 at 3:47 am.
Chris,
Hey, play nice in my space! Don’t call me an ultra-prig!
I’ll use whatever word I want, thanks very much. And if my brother has a problem with them, he can react like a mature adult, rather than as a bully.
And yes, I’m aware that there’s an underlying tension there, and I’m pretty sure I know what it is. Supressing rage might work for you, but I prefer to assert my needs and avoid the inevitable heart attack, high blood pressure, and built-up resentment that such brings on.
Yeah, I’m glad he visits me, but he never seems very excited about it. It feels like he doesn’t want to be doing this, and if that’s the case, I don’t see why he does.
Keep reading, but be nicer next time.