Lead, Kindly Light

…begins with but a single step.

I just got off the phone with Mom an hour ago; it’s really good to have her back in the States. While I was in the thick of the cardiology stuff, she was overseas, and there were many moments when I just wished I could hear her voice on the other side of the phone line. Of all the people in this world, my relationship with my mom is one of the strongest. She knows me inside and out, she understands almost everything about me, and she has unconditionally loved and freely provided for me in physical, intellectual, and emotional ways for my entire life. I owe so much to my mommy.

One of the awesome things about Mom is that she knows the right questions to ask. She expressed her concern this evening about whether I’ve thought of any strategies for dealing with the stress at work that has caused my recent heart problems, and what my future plans are. Only Mom knows when to ask these things, and how.

My answer is that I actually don’t know what is the right thing to do. When I think about my options – as well as the potential sacrifices and the possible opportunities that accompany each option – I am left with no more clarity than when I began. But while I am concerned and admittedly preoccupied with these questions, I can safely say that I have not yet succumbed to overwhelming worry, because in a strange way, I feel like I’ve been here before.

I’ve been at the place of seeing my dreams seemingly evaporate into impossibility. Seven years ago, I walked down State Street and wiped the tears rolling down my cheeks because for the first time, I had reason to believe that I might not have a chance to become a lawyer. Circumstances beyond my control led me to that conclusion, and it was devastating. In the weeks and months that followed, I kept working in the general direction of law, while exploring other options and keeping them open just in case. And slowly over the next years, God untangled the problems, lifted the burdens, and cleared a path for me – one that led me all the way to Harvard Law School and beyond.

I have seen God deliver me (in this respect, and in a big way) at least once before. So this time it’s less scary, because I have the faith and confidence that I gained from the last time around. What I learned through my past experience is that God’s plans are bigger than ours; His foresight is infinitely greater; His wisdom is so much deeper; and His glory is most evident when all the usual distractions that charm and entice us are removed and we see that they are as reliable as gales of wind that appear powerful, but are here today and gone tomorrow. Only God and His vast love remain. And that’s what I’m banking on in the current crossroads.

So here I am, again confronted with a serious health issue, and not sure of what it means for the future of my career and of my life. What do I do? Well, sometimes I think hard about it, and it gives me a headache. Sometimes I swat away the questions and leave them for another day. But for the most part, I am walking in the general direction of where I still believe I’m called to work. At the same time, I’m looking into backup plans. And most of all, I’m praying for God to guide, and trying to trust and have faith that He will get me to where He needs me to be…

I just need to keep walking step by step. The little steps that I take every day will turn into feet and miles over the years, and one day – I hope to pause mid-step on the road that I’m taking, look back behind me, and see that all the twists and turns made sense in the end. And then, as now, and as in all the moments in between, I plan to give thanks to God for this life.