Blessed With a Burden
I watched “Freedom Writers” with Mom this evening. It did not disappoint, because it was exactly what I expected: a moving, triumphant tribute to the harnessing the power of hope and faith in children and not accepting defeat, even when logic and experience seem to dictate that wisdom directs otherwise.
For Erin Gruwell, the teacher who gathered the mettle to guide her at-risk students over perilously troubled waters, such victory came at an enormously high price. It cost her the security of her relationship with her husband, and eventually crumbled her marriage. Still, she valued the children and continued to invest in their progress and their futures. In a particularly touching scene, her father — who evidently made a 180 from his initial opposition to Erin’s endeavors — said to her, “You have been blessed with a burden, my daughter. I envy you that.”
Since I was very young and not yet into my double-digits in age, I’ve had a burden on my heart to be a lawyer. Then, in college, I met KW — a professor who I determined was “so left of the left of the left that he looks like he’s from the right.” It’s because of KW that I received an uber-liberal education about the criminal justice system. I wrestled with 100 percent of what he offered in the curriculum (which I mockingly referred to, sometimes to his face, as “leftist propaganda” at first), and came away accepting maybe half of it. It was enough; that half that I decided was worth something real left me stunned, and forever changed. Over the years, KW and I have remained in touch, and I have realized that God probably sent him into my path to spark in me a fire for compassion.
Since college, and since KW, my view on my life and career — and my burden — have taken a slightly different aim. I’m still headed toward the same goals, but with different intentions and with a different heart. More than ever, I believe in the importance of hearing an individual’s story, and making sense of it as part of the overall evaluation of one’s life and behavior. And I believe in not giving up on kids — if we don’t believe in them, how can we expect them to believe in themselves?
I have plans for where I’d like to end up; I want to be in a position similar to Erin’s in the future … though not necessarily as a teacher. I wonder if God will provide another, more law-oriented position for me to work through. I don’t know. But I can feel the burden within. Most times, I am very glad for it, and I almost envy myself too, as Erin’s father envied his daughter. It is a wonderful blessing to have a God to serve and a mission to live for.
But I must admit that sometimes, it feels like the burden is too heavy to carry around. Or I wonder how much easier life might be without it. I look at movies like “Freedom Writers” and see the sacrifices that the Erin Gruwells of the world must make, and while from the outside it’s easy for me to say it’s worth it — I know that if I were in their situations, the sacrifices would be extremely difficult for me to swallow and endure. Then I wonder what sacrifices I will have to make, and what costs I will have to pay. And who, besides God, will stand and walk beside me as I carry the burden around. I don’t know the answers, and sometimes that scares me.
Mostly, though, I still feel really lucky. I agree with the dad — it IS a blessing to receive a burden. And I’m reminded of how Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). And I’m reminded of what I read just last night in I Corinthians 10:13 — “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” God walks with us all the way, and He is enough.
Mom tells me that when I was fourteen years old, she sat by me as I lay in bed, and I looked up her and said, “When I grow up, I want to defend justice. And when I die, I want God to say to me, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.'”
I’m over a decade away from that moment now, but the desire still rings true. I just find that as the world becomes more and more grey, rather than black and white, I see how difficult it is going to be to know exactly what my goals entail. But… God will help me figure it out. He’s faithful.
Philippians 1:6 – “…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
* * *
Memorable, challenging, and resonating passages from the “Freedom Writers” script –
Scott: If you have another glass your gonna have a headache
Erin: Your bags are backed and you think the wines gonna give me a headache? Why are you doing this?… Because I don’t pay enough attention to you?
Scott: No, that’s not it. I just feel like I’m living a life i just did not agree to, and it’s just too hard
Erin: Your life is too hard?
Scott: I think what your doing is noble and it’s good, and I’m proud of you. I am. I just want to live my life and not feel bad about it.
Erin: Well, I’m not trying to make you feel bad.
Scott: You don’t have to try..
Erin: Scott, I finally realized what I’m supposed to be doing and I love it. When I’m helping these kids make sense of their lives, everything about my life makes sense to me.. How often does a person get that?
Scott: Then what do you need me for?
Erin: Your my husband. Why can’t you stand by me and be a part of it?
Scott: Erin, if you had to choose between us and a class, what would you pick?
Erin: If you loved me, how could you ever ask me that?
Scott: Erin, look at me, this is all there’s ever been to me, this is it, I’m not one of those kids. I don’t have anymore potential.. see you don’t want to be here, if you did would you be in the classroom every night?
Erin: That’s not true. I want to be here. I love you.
Scott: You love the idea of me.
Erin: But it’s such a great idea.
* * *
Erin: The evaluation assignment was to grade yourself on the work you’ve been doing. You gave yourself and F… what’s that about?
Student: It’s what I feel I deserve.
Erin: Oh really? You know what this is? It’s a **** you to me and everyone in this class. I don’t want excuses. I know what your up against. Were all of us up against something. So, you better make up your mind, because until you have the balls to look me straight in the eyes and tell me this is all you deserve, I am not letting you fail… even it it means coming to your house every night until you finish your work. I see who you are. Do you understand me? I can see you.. and you are not failing. So, take a minute, pull yourself together and come inside. oh, and I want a new evaluation. An F? What? Are you trippin’?