“SUCCESS IS DUE 15% TO PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE AND 85% TO THE ABILITY TO EXPRESS IDEAS, TO ASSUME LEADERSHIP, AND TO AROUSE ENTHUSIASM AMONG PEOPLE.” HOW TO WIN FRIENDS & INFLUENCE PEOPLE, BY DALE CARNEGIE. (1936)
While you might think Dale Carnegie’s book that was published in 1936 doesn’t hold a lot of weight today, you’re wrong. He has this outstanding understanding of human nature that I believe means that this book will never be outdated. In this book, you’ll learn how to make people like you, win people over to your way of thinking and change people without causing offense or arousing resentment.
How to unlock the simplest, most influential weapon that we have on our faces. We give ourselves a quick look in the mirror every single morning before leaving the house, just to make sure that we look good. But sometimes we still show up at the office, get the kids from school, or return home to our spouses with a frown on our face. Why do we pay more attention to what we wear on our bodies than what we wear on our faces? Smiling, as simple as the act is, is so incredibly powerful.
And of course, it can’t be an insincere grin. We all know what that looks like, and we can all recognize that a mile away. But a real smile can turn someone’s day around. It sends a message of goodwill, it says, to someone who is under a lot of pressure from their boss, their customers, teachers, parents, children, whatever it is, that all is not hopeless. People who smile more tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively.
They live happier lives. There’s far more information in a smile than in a frown. And that’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment. Even when we’re talking on the phone, a smile comes through in our voices. Carnegie tells a story of a computer Department manager who is desperately trying to recruit a PhD for his Department.
He finally found the perfect candidate, but the man also had offers from much larger, more reputable, more well-known companies. When the man told the manager that he was choosing his company, the manager asked Why? The man explained, “I think it’s because the managers at the other companies spoke on the phone in a cold, businesslike manner, which made me feel like just another business transaction. Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear from me that you really wanted me to be a part of your organization.” A simple smile can go a long way.
Lloyd George Gray, Britain’s Prime Minister during World War I, who stayed in power long after the other wartime leaders had been forgotten, was asked how he managed to remain on top for so long. His response? He had learned that it is necessary to Bake the hook to suit the fish. In other words, give people what they want, not what you want. Don’t bait the hook and dessert.
Bait it with worms of course you’re interested in what you want though, but no one else is. The rest of us are just like you. We’re interested in what we want to convince someone to do something. We must frame it in terms of what motivates them. And to do that, we have to be able to see things from their point of view as well as our own.
Most salespeople are going to spend their entire life selling without seeing things from the customers angle, and they’re going to spend their entire career wondering why they’re not successful as they completely ignore the customer’s needs.
If we can put aside our own thoughts, our own opinions and wants, and truly see things from the other person’s perspective, we’ll be able to convince them that it’s in their best interests to do whatever it is. Whereafter now the world is so full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking, so the one individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. They have little competition. Before you speak, pause, and ask yourself, how can I make this person want to do it? How can I frame this in terms of their wants?
Don’t give orders, ask questions. So, for the most part, no one really likes to take orders. So, what if instead of telling people what to do, we gave them the opportunity to do things themselves, to learn from their own mistakes, to think more critically about something? So instead of telling people what to do, we should more often say things like, you might want to consider this. Or do you think this would work by asking questions?
It also stimulates creativity, which leads to new ideas and better solutions. The real big benefit though, the reason why you want to do this is that people are more likely to accept an order if they’ve had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued in the first place. So, if you’re a manager and you need somebody to do something, it’s so much easier just to go to them and give them an order and tell them what to do. The challenge with that though, is that they might not do it to the best of their ability because they might resent you for it. They might say, do it yourself.
I don’t really want to do this. Resist the temptation to simply tell them what to do. Instead, ask them questions that will help bring them to the conclusion that that is the best action to take and will make them actually want to do it.
Be a great listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. So, in the book, Carnegie explains that he once attended a dinner party where he met a botanist. A botanist is someone that studies plants, and he found this person to be fascinating. So, he listened for hours with excitement as the botanist spoke about exotic plants, indoor gardens, etc. Until the party ended, and everyone left.
Now. Before leaving, the botanist told the host of the party that Carnegie was the most interesting conversationalist that he had ever met in his entire life and paid him several compliments. That’s funny because Carnegie had hardly said anything at all. What he did that was significant was he listened intently. He listened because he was genuinely interested.
Even the most ill-tempered person with the most violent personality will often be subdued in the presence of somebody who’s patient, someone who’s a sympathetic listener. The funny thing is, though, is that most of us are so concerned with what we’re going to say next that we don’t truly listen when someone’s speaking.
So, remember that people we are talking to are 100 times more interested in themselves and their own problems than they are in us and our own problems. But the next best thing to talk about themselves is talking about the things that they enjoy. A great story from the book comes from Theodore Roosevelt. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he would stay up late the night before reading up on whatever subject he knew particularly interested his guest. That’s because Roosevelt was keenly aware that the Royal Road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
If we spend all our time trying to impress people and get them to be interested in us, we’ll never have many true sincere friends. But if instead we go out of our way to do things for others, things that require time, energy, unselfishness. If we greet people with sincere enthusiasm to show them that we’re excited to be there with them, to talk to them, we’ll find much more success in cultivating friendships. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. We like people who show interest in us, who admire us, and so to make people like us, we must show genuine interest in them.
Try as hard as you can to see things from the other person’s perspective. One of the fundamental keys to successful human relations is understanding that other people may be completely wrong, but they don’t think they are. If we ask ourselves, how would I feel or react if I were in their shoes? If we think that first, we’ll save ourselves a lot of time and a ton of frustration because we’ll better understand their perspective. Success in dealing with people relies on being able to have a clear grasp of that person’s viewpoint.
Accept person’s viewpoint. Try to understand it. Determine what you say by what you want to hear if you are in their shoes the next time, you’re about to ask someone to buy your product or buy your service or contribute to your favorite charity or to do you a favor. Pause first, make a list of the reasons you want them to do it and a list of reasons that they would want to do it. When you’re writing your email or your website copy or opening a conversation only mention the reasons from their list and not one of them from your list.
Some great takeaways here you want to win friends and influence people a simple smile can go a long way learn that it’s never about you don’t give orders ask questions to be a great listener and encourage others to talk about themselves become genuinely interested in other people. Read more articles here: amirkohan.com
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