{"id":92,"date":"2020-10-23T23:58:08","date_gmt":"2020-10-23T23:58:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/?p=92"},"modified":"2020-10-23T23:59:43","modified_gmt":"2020-10-23T23:59:43","slug":"clickbait-titles-woohoo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/2020\/10\/23\/clickbait-titles-woohoo\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Relationship Stages That Only College Students Will Understand (#3 Will Shock You!)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Let\u2019s start off this post the way Prof. Perry started off the lecturette for this week: with <\/span>music. <\/span><\/i>Who listens to top music tracks?? <\/span>College kids. <\/span><\/i>What do college kids like?? <\/span>Dancing, partying, having sex, listening to music, drinking and, well, other such substances. But mostly, ~romance~. <\/span><\/i>What are pretty much all top 40 most popular songs about, going back to the 1960s?? <\/span>Everything I just mentioned college kids like, but again, mostly ~~romance~~ <\/span><\/i>(Christensen et al, 2018). This isn\u2019t a coincidence. Most humans love, well, love. And Kat and I figured that since we\u2019re all probably missing the spicy moments of meeting or crushing on a potential romantic partner on campus, we\u2019d remind you (and ourselves) of the typical on campus love story.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So, here are the 6 stages of a college romance. ?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stage 1: The Butterflies. ?<\/strong><\/p>\n

You look at the top-right corner of your screen and 3 digits haunt you: 1:01 AM. You look at the bottom-left corner and breathe a sigh of resignation: 53 Words. Espresso in hand, you look around the quiet floor of Lamont Library and you see them. It seems like you see them everywhere, after all, you\u2019re in two of the same classes. Here, they\u2019re wearing jeans and a Patagonia sweater, but still manages to get your heart rate up and release butterflies in your stomach. You see their head buried in John Stuart Mill and start to wonder, maybe I should also find a Patagonia sweater (and no, unlike most Harvard students, you actually don\u2019t have a kink for Patagonia fleeces) and read about liberty\u2026 That\u2019ll make a good conversation topic.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Welcome to your crush! To you, they feel like they\u2019re <\/span>the one<\/span><\/i> and the sole person you\u2019re attracted to. But if you believe this is just a simple coincidence, there\u2019s evidence that there is more going on. Moreland and Beach (1992) found that people are more attracted to people who they are more familiar with. Yes! Merely seeing someone more (you don\u2019t even have to be interacting with them) might make you more attracted to them. But this isn\u2019t a bad thing, it doesn\u2019t mean that you don\u2019t truly like them, it\u2019s simply your brain trying to protect you against the scary unknown. So, go ahead and try to impress them. But be careful, make sure to be yourself. Especially if your crush is a close friend or someone else who means a lot to you, it\u2019s normal for your identity to shift to include a bit of them, but that overlap shouldn\u2019t get too big. (more on that soon from Gracie!\u2026)<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stage 2: The Question.\u00a0?<\/strong><\/p>\n

You ironed your Patagonia fleece this morning before putting it on (just kidding, you don\u2019t own an iron) and you read your philosophers. You\u2019re ready for anything. In your mind, you run through all the pleasantries and brief conversations you had with them, more importantly, you run through all the ways to say the words \u201cdo you have any plans Friday night?\u201d Then, the perfect opportunity comes. Just as you\u2019re exiting Sanders Theatre, you see them. You walk over and they say hi to you. You\u2019re feeling good, it\u2019s time. \u201cHey, are you doing anything Friday night?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Well done you! You\u2019re on your way to success. But you might wonder, did you do the right thing to ask this question? An important thing to remember is that asking someone out, even if it seems like a simple question to you, might put your crush in an uncomfortable position. In fact, Bohns and DeVincent (2019) found that both men and women underestimate how tough it is to be asked out by someone when the feeling isn\u2019t mutual. Certainly, do ask your crush out and who knows, your feelings may be reciprocated, But be aware of the context. If you\u2019re in a professional relationship with this person, consider any power dynamics or simply make sure that you\u2019re creating an environment of respect. Also, give your crush a way out if they\u2019re indeed not interested, you might be putting more pressure on them to say \u2018yes\u2019 than you intend.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stage 3: The First Night.\u00a0?<\/strong><\/p>\n

That night you toss and turn in your bed. You\u2019re excited, they agreed to have dinner with you on Friday!!! But you\u2019re also nervous, what are you going to do? How are you going to get them to like you??? Exhausted from the day, you finally fall asleep. But the next morning, you open up your laptop and start searching\u2026.<\/span><\/p>\n

What could you search for? Well, one thing that you might want to look at is the 36 Questions (Aron et al. 1997b). Sure, you can talk about anything and you don\u2019t have to use all 36 questions, but don\u2019t just talk about whether or not it\u2019s Patagonia weather (it always is). Instead, be vulnerable. It\u2019s hard to do so during the \u201cfirst date,\u201d but give it a shot. Take some time, brew some tea, and dim the lights. Sure, you don\u2019t have to talk about your deepest and darkest secret, but ask meaningful questions, be human. Or maybe take some inspiration from a robot…<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stage 4: The Consistent \u201cThing.\u201d\u00a0?<\/b><\/p>\n

Kat calls this stage the \u201cputting 2 Twin XL beds together\u201d stage, and yeah, that pretty much sums it up <\/span>perfectly<\/b>. Are we friends, are we friends with benefits? Are we not friends, but have benefits? Are we official, are we exclusive, am I monogamous, do I want to be <\/span>tied down<\/span><\/a>, am I having a relationship crisis?!?!? Who freaking knows, but at this point, you know you like this person. You wouldn\u2019t be spending all this time together if you didn\u2019t. Who even cares if you don\u2019t have all the details figured out yet (the day WILL come when you have to tell them you aren\u2019t <\/span>all that into <\/span><\/i>Patagonia), because you\u2019re in this state of euphoria. Nothing about this person is sending you running (away, not towards them, to be clear), and this is <\/span>good news<\/span><\/i>. But why do we keep going back, wanting more of this person, and each day, falling harder??<\/span><\/p>\n

This might have something to do with Aron & Aron Self-Expansion Theory (1997a), whereby we have a tendency to want to become very close and intimate with someone for a few distinct reasons. We want to expand our self-concept, and this can be done by essentially taking on a bit of another person and using that to help define ourselves. Additionally, we want to expand our group circles, and by coming close with someone else, we expand our circle of people to include that person\u2019s as well. This helps us feel like we belong, and it\u2019s progress towards the next step, making it official.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stage 5: Making it <\/b>Official<\/b><\/a>.\u00a0?<\/b><\/p>\n

[Midterm] seasons pass, the weather changes, the Patagonias remain, and the thing (that we don\u2019t have labels for because it\u2019s 2020 and labels are lame) that you\u2019ve had with this person is going steady. But one thing is to remain: When is one of you going to pop THE question?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Becoming official in a relationship seems (or feels) like a stamp of approval, an official seal, of belonging. And that\u2019s what this class is all about right? Humans have a fundamental need for belonging (Baumeister & Leary, 1995), and becoming official with someone is like making a pact to provide each other with consistent love, nurturing, and enjoyment. Finally becoming official with another human who you have an intimate relationship with may not be the only belonging we need, but it\u2019s definitely an exemplary feeling of belonging. Let me know if I\u2019m out on too far of a limb here, but this <\/span>also<\/span><\/i> reminds me of the Pickett, Gardner, & Knowles (2004) article we read in Empathy week, which found that people who are craving belonging are more sensitive to different aspects of social cues such as vocal tone. Is this not us, on the edge of our seat, wondering when we will get our seal of approval??? Just a thought.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stage 6: The Married Couple.\u00a0?<\/b><\/p>\n

Honeymoon phase is over. You\u2019ve been through all those awkward pubescent-like stages of forming a romantic relationship and now here you are, <\/span>married.<\/span><\/i> Well, not actually, but you know what I mean. You\u2019re off the market, you\u2019re #committed. Things are normal! There\u2019s less nerves, this person is now <\/span>your<\/b> person, and at this point, there\u2019s probably not much that your boo doesn\u2019t know about you (minus maybe the terrible Patagonia truth). Routines have developed, and who knows, maybe you\u2019ve even dropped the \u201cL\u201d word.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A friendly reminder though. Your S.O. still can\u2019t read your mind (no matter how cool they are) and they still need help interpreting your thoughts and feelings. Not going to recommend couple\u2019s therapy to an undergrad couple because that seems, idk, too soon? However, there are a few things we can learn from couples who went through Theory of Mind training (lovingly referred to as \u201cToM.\u201d) In this week\u2019s reading, we learned that conscious effort, focus, and attention on developing ToM abilities in couples was a success. Steady couples who underwent an 8 week program that focused on developing skills associated with cognitive and emotional empathy, as well as perspective taking, showed significant improvements in all these in comparison to the control. In addition, couples who went through the ToM training program were better able to ascribe and be sensitive to their partner\u2019s mental states and emotions (Ramezani et al, 2020). While this may seem like a lot of work, it suggests that in an intimate and romantic relationship, empathy, perspective-taking, and mind perception play a big role in the viability of a meaningful romantic relationship.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And you lived happily ever after. The end. Unfortunately, our childhood dreams of fairytale love and miracles don\u2019t always turn out to be true. But you can get close. Having read through all six stages of a relationship, you\u2019re ready to love and be loved. But there\u2019s one more thing we missed. In fact, if there\u2019s only one thing you take away from reading this, it\u2019s to have gratitude. It\u2019ll make you happier and it\u2019ll grow your relationship (Gordon et al. 2012).\u00a0?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

? \u2013 Gracie<\/p>\n

? \u2013 Kat<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

References\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1997a). Self-expansion motivation and including other in the self. In Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions, 2nd ed (pp. 251\u2013270). John Wiley & Sons Inc.<\/span><\/p>\n

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997b). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363\u2013377. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0146167297234003<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497\u2013529. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0033-2909.117.3.497<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Bohns, V. K., & DeVincent, L. A. (2019). Rejecting unwanted romantic advances is more difficult than suitors realize. <\/span>Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10<\/span><\/i>(8), 1102-1110.<\/span><\/p>\n

Christenson, P. G., de Haan-Rietdijk, S., Roberts, D. F., & ter Bogt, T. F. M. (2019). What has America been singing about? Trends in themes in the U.S. top-40 songs: 1960\u20132010. Psychology of Music, 47(2), 194\u2013212. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0305735617748205<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257\u2013274. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/a0028723<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Moreland, R. L., & Beach, S. R. (1992). Exposure effects in the classroom: The development of affinity among students. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 28(3), 255\u2013276. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/0022-1031(92)90055-O<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Pickett, C. L., Gardner, W. L., & Knowles, M. (2004). Getting a Cue: The Need to Belong and Enhanced Sensitivity to Social Cues. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30(9), 1095\u20131107. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0146167203262085<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Ramezani, A., Ghamari, M., Jafari, A., & Aghdam, G. F. (2020). The Effectiveness of a ToM Training Program in Promoting Intimacy between Married Couples. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 1\u201318. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1080\/01926187.2020.1782285<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Let\u2019s start off this post the way Prof. Perry started off the lecturette for this week: with music. Who listens to top music tracks?? College kids. What do college kids like?? Dancing, partying, having sex, listening to music, drinking and, well, other such substances. But mostly, ~romance~. What are pretty much all top 40 most […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9875,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-92","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/92","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9875"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=92"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/92\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":102,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/92\/revisions\/102"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=92"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=92"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=92"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}