{"id":57,"date":"2020-10-10T03:43:44","date_gmt":"2020-10-10T03:43:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/?p=57"},"modified":"2020-10-10T03:51:19","modified_gmt":"2020-10-10T03:51:19","slug":"dont-let-the-middle-school-flashbacks-get-you-down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/2020\/10\/10\/dont-let-the-middle-school-flashbacks-get-you-down\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Let the Middle School Flashbacks Get You Down"},"content":{"rendered":"

Picture this. You\u2019re 13 years old, walking with a big group of friends down the street after school. Yes, YOU are part of <\/span>that<\/span><\/i> gaggle of kids taking up the whole sidewalk, babbling and guffawing, blind to everyone but each other. From an outsider\u2019s perspective, you\u2019re just part of an obnoxious group of kids. But your thoughts are racing. You\u2019re not <\/span>super<\/span><\/i> close with these people, though you\u2019d like to be. You\u2019re listening intently to the comments flying around the group, trying to think of something witty that will send everyone howling with laughter. But it\u2019s tough because you just so happen to be the straggler at the back of the group. You\u2019re flanking the others, on the outskirts of the jumble of bodies and backpacks, nearly tripping on the heels of the kid in front of you as you lean your neck forward, trying to insert yourself into the ranks with little success. Tragic, we know.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So now let\u2019s check back in. How are you feeling after imagining that? How would you feel in that situation? Probably not so great. This is the dreadful feeling of social exclusion; everyone knows it and has felt it in some capacity. It\u2019s that feeling when you get overlooked by others or just outright rejected, maybe you were the last kid chosen for dodgeball teams, maybe you asked someone out and they laughed, saying \u201cWith YOU??? Ew, no, never.\u201d (we hope this has never actually happened). So how does rejection affect us anyway, and why? Why might our reactions to rejection differ? What can we do about that awful feeling rejection brings? Let\u2019s talk about it.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Affiliation, Withdrawal…Both?<\/span><\/span> — Julie\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

First of all, I think most of us can agree that rejection just downright sucks. No matter how it manifests itself, whether it\u2019s just a little sting (like no one waiting for you as you\u2019re tying your shoe) or a more substantial blow (like not getting into the school of your dreams), it still affects you. I mean think about it, your first reaction to rejection isn\u2019t usually to rejoice, right? Damn, try saying that 5 times fast.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, of course, everything in life varies from person to person and from situation to situation. Sometimes, a little sting feels like a colossal blow, and sometimes that colossal blow just blows right over your head and you stay vibing. So our reaction to rejection at any given moment often ~depends~. And science agrees.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes you might be motivated by rejection to build relationships with others. Although this might sound like trying to patch up the wound with what caused it in the first place, we actually display some pretty helpful behaviors to make this endeavor easier. For example, feeling socially excluded can lead to enhanced memory of social information (Gardner, Picket, & Brewer, 2000). Researchers induced feelings of social exclusion in participants, then had them read a diary. After completing some unrelated tasks, participants were asked to recall details from the diary. Those that felt socially excluded remembered more events from the diary that were related to social events than did those who felt socially secure. Crazy.<\/span><\/p>\n

But this makes sense because paying attention to and remembering social cues and information can help you build connections with others. Isn\u2019t it rather nice when someone remembers something you told them last week and asks you about it? It makes you feel like they genuinely care about you, which is the basis for any kind of relationship. Other studies have found that people who feel socially excluded can even tell if a smile is real (a Duchenne smile, smiling with the eyes) or fake, and they (obviously) prefer the real smile (Bernstein et al., 2008). In essence, you basically become hyper-aware of signals around you telling you who might want to connect, and the evidence for this goes on and on. It seems like we unknowingly (until now) have these built-in tools to help us remedy rejection and stay socially secure.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On the other hand, sometimes rejection might cause you to slip back into your shell, withdrawing from the world. You might just feel a sense of emotional numbness (Baumeister et al., 2007). You might even lose concern for others. People that were told they would end up all alone in life engaged in fewer acts of charity and to a lower degree, like donating less to student funds or even picking up fewer dropped pencils than the control group (Twenge et al., 2007). This withdrawal reaction serves to lessen the pain of the experience and act as buffers against further emotionally painful events. It\u2019s like putting a shield over your emotions by closing the shutters and not letting anything in or out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

These two conflicting responses don\u2019t each have to be all or nothing though..they\u2019re not action potentials;). It\u2019s more likely that for most people, they play in tandem in varying doses. In other words, we can display flexible responses to rejection based on context, sometimes trying to affiliate with others if that seems like a viable option, and if not, then withdrawing to avoid further emotional pain (Powers & Heatherton, 2012). I feel as though this is almost like an immune system for our social needs, and it kicks in with multiple plans of action to treat rejection.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I can definitely see this context-dependent response in myself. If I\u2019m feeling secure in my other social relationships and in my abilities, rejection won\u2019t hit me as hard, and I\u2019ll maybe have a quick moment where I\u2019m like <\/span>oof that\u2019s tough, but <\/span><\/i>it be like that sometimes<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/span>. <\/span><\/i>And I usually try to joke about it with friends to remind myself that, whatever happened, it\u2019s probably not that deep. Obviously, if it\u2019s one of those colossal blows we were talking about earlier, or if rejection after rejection after rejection is being hurled at me, things become a bit tougher. That\u2019s when it\u2019s harder to be all nonchalant and positive. Plus, I tend to overthink this stuff during ungodly hours of the night when I\u2019m trying to sleep, so overall it\u2019s just a <\/span>good time<\/span><\/a><\/span>. I might first respond by withdrawing and allowing myself to wallow for a bit in sad girl hours because sometimes a passionate cry is all you need. But then, I\u2019ll reach out to friends to either talk about it or just move on from it, and <\/span>voila<\/span><\/i> all becomes well again eventually. And in the end, most things work out. The hard times teach you lessons that make you wiser, kinder, and <\/span>stronger<\/span><\/a><\/span>. And sometimes they make for good stories, so when rejection knocks on your door, chin up my friend, you were born to handle this, and Andre can tell you why.<\/span><\/p>\n

How it all started<\/span><\/span> — Andre<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, it can be difficult to understand why we even have such strong reactions to social situations in the first place. Even when we know we can handle a rejection, it still often stings a lot. Even after spending tons of time cultivating our confidence we still find ourselves being super self-conscious. Why are we like this?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Evolutionary psychology helps answer the question. In the state of nature, being alone or cast out from your group was among the biggest threats to your survival and reproduction (the foremost stuff we\u2019re really \u201cwired\u201d for). If you weren\u2019t around others, then you couldn\u2019t share resources or labor and your chances of passing on your genes would dwindle. Human psychology and neurobiology adapted to make us want to be around others. And if we weren\u2019t, our minds would sound all types of alarms telling ourselves to fix the situation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So if you feel caught up in your fear of rejection, give yourself a break. We\u2019re wired to feel like our lives and future generations depend on it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On a similar note, many of us find it difficult not to dwell on negative experiences like rejection. We could have tons of stuff going for ourselves and positive news to be grateful for and yet we\u2019re still drawn back to the stuff that didn\u2019t go right. We ruminate over an awkward encounter, endlessly talk over a failed relationship, or micro-analyze our whole existence. While this tendency to seemingly prioritize the negative over the positive needs to be checked with more healthy habits, it\u2019s quite natural. <\/span>Threat detection<\/span><\/i> or <\/span>threat hypervigilance<\/span><\/i> was an important trait when humans were evolving just like rejection sensitivity. Our failures or potential failures were bigger threats to our survival and reproduction than our successes so of course we should pay them more attention. Essentially, we develop to dwell on the negative or things we perceive as threats (Boyer & Bergstrom, 2011). We can correct for that with positive affirmations and gratitude when our negativity becomes too much, but ultimately it\u2019s pretty useful for understanding, remembering and addressing our problems.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So…What now?<\/span><\/span> — Rachel<\/span><\/p>\n

So if you\u2019re like me, you\u2019ve read all this about threat and rejection and exclusion, and honestly, you\u2019re feeling pretty down. \u201cWhat gives??\u201d you may ask. \u201cIsn\u2019t there anything we can do about it??\u201d you may plead to anyone who will listen. Good news! Yes, social rejection is a Thing<\/span>\u2122<\/span>, and as we\u2019ve said, we really can\u2019t help but react to it (shoutout to Andre, we\u2019ve quite literally evolved to react to it!). But that doesn\u2019t mean we just have to sit back and wait for the social blows to inevitably hit. It also doesn\u2019t mean hiding away in your dorm room and avoiding all social situations out of fear of them going horribly wrong. So, what can we actually do about it? That\u2019s where a fun thing called \u201cself-regulation\u201d comes into play.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Self-regulation is basically the process of intentionally controlling and monitoring your inner thoughts and emotions, as well as your outer behaviors and impulses (Reed et al., 2020). Even if you didn\u2019t know it, you\u2019re probably already a self-regulating pro. Congrats! Remember mind perception week? When you purposely tried to shift between \u201cimagine other\u201d and \u201cimagine self\u201d in perspective taking, that was a form of self-regulation! Self-regulating is like a handy-dandy Swiss Army Knife on the imaginary <\/span>tool belt<\/span><\/span><\/a> of psychological processes. It\u2019s helpful in all kinds of scenarios, from perspective-taking (like the tasks we\u2019ve already tried) to promoting positive goals to seek pleasure or avoid pain (Higgins, 1997). For threat detection and rejection sensitivity especially, self-regulation can be really helpful in changing the way we think about potentially damaging social situations on a daily basis (<\/span>Meehan et al., 2019<\/span>).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While there are likely many, <\/span>many<\/span><\/i> ways we each engage in self-regulatory behavior on an individual level (especially considering the wide range of rejection sensitivity we each possess even in this class alone), we\u2019ve chosen two especially helpful behaviors for you to ponder as we figure out what the heck to do about all this rejection. First, one way of using self-regulation to help with rejection sensitivity is through intentional directing of your attention (Hanif et al., 2012). As we\u2019ve already learned from the Gardner article, experiences of social exclusion can greatly impact what kind of social information you take in (Gardner, Picket, & Brewer, 2000). The same is true for attention \u2013 rather than keeping this tunnel vision of looking for rejection, self-regulation can involve directing your attentional focus towards a wider view of actually understanding the context of your situation, your own behavior, and the behavior of others. In doing so, you can actually start to look beyond your own rejection sensitivity towards what Hanif et al. call \u201cgoal-related representations,\u201d or the things that are relevant to seeking your own positive goals (Hanif et al., 2012).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This expansion in attention can especially be helpful with that literally never ending cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy in rejection (Downey et al., 1998). By taking the time to step back, reflect, and expand your attention, you can find yourself realizing that hey, maybe those kids you\u2019re walking with aren\u2019t <\/span>actually<\/span><\/i> trying to reject you when you\u2019re the one stuck at the back of the pack. Maybe the sidewalk is just not wide enough, simple as that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Another way of using self-regulation in the face of those 13 year old kids from the intro (*cue the terrifying middle school flashbacks*) goes hand in hand with directing attention: delayed gratification (Ayduk et al., 2000). Remember the marshmallow experiment, the one you\u2019ve probably seen in every psych class ever (Mishel, 2014)? Surprise, it\u2019s relevant here too! As we\u2019ve already discussed, our ~general long-term goal as humans~ is to survive, and we\u2019ve adapted to do that by being around others. By intentionally focusing on that pleasurable, long-term goal over more immediate impulsive reactions (aka, delayed gratification) through self-regulation, you can help keep all those negative emotions, gut reactions, and passive-aggressive texts to seemingly threatening social situations at bay (Ayduk et al., 2000). And when you don\u2019t have to put as much effort into processing these short-term responses, it\u2019s much easier to direct your attention towards other explanations in the situation and seek out solutions for keeping that long-term goal of #good social connections going.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Like Julie said, these situations of social rejection can be really, really tough. Whether big or small, these situations can hurt a LOT, and our reactions to it can vary and be confusing in themselves. But, Andre showed you that you were <\/span>literally<\/span><\/i> born to handle these things! So don\u2019t fret (for too long at least). Self-regulation, as Rachel demonstrated, takes some time and effort, but by putting that ~mental muscle~ to work you really can help shape your reactions in a healthy way. So just know that you got this!! We\u2019re rooting for you always.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

References<\/span><\/p>\n

Ayduk, O., Mendoza-Denton, R., Mischel, W., Downey, G., Peake, P. K., & Rodriguez, M. (2000). Regulating the interpersonal self: strategic self-regulation for coping with rejection sensitivity. <\/span>Journal of personality and social psychology<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>79<\/span><\/i>(5), 776\u2013792. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/\/0022-3514.79.5.776<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Baumeister, R. F., Brewer, L. E., Tice, D. M., and Twenge, J. M. (2007). Thwarting the need to belong: understanding the interpersonal and inner effects of social exclusion. <\/span>Soc. Pers. Psychol. Compass <\/span><\/i>1, 506\u2013520. <\/span><\/p>\n

Bernstein, M. J., Young, S. G., Brown, C. M., Sacco, D. F., and Claypool, H. M. (2008). Adaptive responses to social exclusion: social rejection improves detection of real and fake smiles. <\/span>Psychol. Sci. <\/span><\/i>19, 981\u2013983.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Boyer, P., & Bergstrom, B. (2011). Threat-detection in child development: An evolutionary perspective. <\/span>Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>35<\/span><\/i>(4), 1034-1041.<\/span><\/p>\n

Clarkson, K. (2011). <\/span>Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) Official Audio. <\/span><\/i>[Video]. YouTube. <\/span>https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=avYxiIRG4xQ&list=PL5tm17NdnbG_L24-LVnEN1-NgHkm4O67n<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Downey, G., Freitas, A. L., Michaelis, B., & Khouri, H. (1998). The self-fulfilling prophecy in close relationships: Rejection sensitivity and rejection by romantic partners. <\/span>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75<\/span><\/i>(2), 545\u2013560. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.75.2.545<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Gardner, W. L., Pickett, C. L., and Brewer, M. B. (2000). Social exclusion and selective memory: how the need to belong affects memory for social information. <\/span>Pers. Soc. Psychol. Bull. <\/span><\/i>26, 486\u2013496.<\/span><\/p>\n

Higgins E. T. (1997). Beyond pleasure and pain. <\/span>The American psychologist<\/span><\/i>, 52(12), 1280\u20131300. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/\/0003-066x.52.12.1280<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cI Can Fix That GIF\u201d. (2020). <\/span>Holes<\/span><\/i>. [GIF]. Giphy. <\/span>https:\/\/media.giphy.com\/media\/PrEUkNFD9pN2o\/giphy.gif<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Literary Devices. <\/span>Sarcasm – Definition and Examples of Sarcasm.<\/span><\/i> (2017). Literary Devices. <\/span>https:\/\/literarydevices.net\/sarcasm\/<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Meehan, K.B., Cain, N.M., Roche, M.J. <\/span>et al.<\/span><\/i> (2019). Rejection Sensitivity and Self-Regulation of Daily Interpersonal Events. <\/span>J Contemp Psychother<\/span><\/i> 49, 223\u2013233. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s10879-019-09424-9<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mischel, W. (2014). <\/span>The marshmallow test: mastering self-control.<\/span><\/i> First edition. New York: Little, Brown and Company.<\/span><\/p>\n

Powers, K. E., Heatherton, T. F. (2012). Characterizing socially avoidant and affiliative responses to social exclusion. <\/span>Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience. 6,46.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Reed, R. G., Combs, H. L., & Segerstrom, S. C. (2020). The Structure of Self-Regulation and Its Psychological and Physical Health Correlates in Older Adults. <\/span>Collabra: Psychology<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>6<\/span><\/i>(1), 23. <\/span>http:\/\/doi.org\/10.1525\/collabra.297<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Saturday Night Live. (2020). <\/span>Chris Redd Snl<\/span><\/i>. [GIF]. Giphy. <\/span>https:\/\/giphy.com\/gifs\/snl-saturday-night-live-season-45-LrLtEDxfBiM4KDSSYl?utm_source=media-link&utm_medium=landing&utm_campaign=Media%20Links&utm_term=<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Twenge, J. M., Baumeister, R. F., DeWall, C. N., Ciarocco, N. J., and Bartels, J. M. (2007). Social exclusion decreases prosocial behavior. <\/span>J. Pers. Soc. Psychol. <\/span><\/i>92. 56\u201366. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Picture this. You\u2019re 13 years old, walking with a big group of friends down the street after school. Yes, YOU are part of that gaggle of kids taking up the whole sidewalk, babbling and guffawing, blind to everyone but each other. From an outsider\u2019s perspective, you\u2019re just part of an obnoxious group of kids. But […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9878,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-57","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9878"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=57"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":60,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57\/revisions\/60"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=57"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=57"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=57"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}