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Love is in the air! But how did it get there? And how do you stop it from going away? Romantic love is a foundational component of the human experience that leads to feelings of overwhelming joy, devastating heartbreak, and everything in between. It pretty much goes without saying, then, that it\u2019s pretty complicated. Love can be confusing, all-consuming, and seemingly unexplainable. Before we can even begin to define those feelings, we have to ask\u2026\u2026what <\/span>is<\/span><\/i> love? We are going to break it down into 3 key stages: falling in love, staying in love, and lastly, the ending of love.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Falling in Love: Attraction, Familiarity, and Flirtation (Jessica)<\/b><\/p>\n So, you want to fall in love? The romance blogs and dating apps may make it seem easy, but love isn\u2019t something you can pull out of thin air. Relationships take time, energy, and a whole lot of self-reflection and communication with your partner. But before we can even get there, how do you actually find <\/span>the one<\/span><\/i>? Studies show that part may not take as much effort as you think.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Think back to your elementary or high school crush. Why did you like them? Maybe they brought it in the best snacks? Did they compliment your outfits? While physical and emotional attraction can come from meaningful interactions with others, sometimes it\u2019s as simple as being in the right place, at the right time\u2026<\/span>all<\/span><\/i> of the time. That\u2019s right, exposure can spark attraction! How many times have you noticed that one classmate who always sits in your row or that coworker who\u2019s on your shift every week when you pass them on the street? How many times have you noticed the classmate you only sat next to once? In a long-term study on affinity in a classroom setting, students rated the women they saw the most in class as more attractive than others (Moreland & Beach, 1990). These findings suggest exposure impacts attraction and similarity (Moreland & Beach, 1990). Who knows? Maybe following the same route across campus to that 9 AM will be worth it one day.<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re not someone who follows a regular schedule, don\u2019t worry. Familiarity isn\u2019t the only way to fall in love. Attraction has also been linked to misattributed physiological arousal. Now, I know, that sounds pretty daunting, but it\u2019s actually simpler than you think. When our bodies are aroused \u2013 scared, working out, daydreaming \u2013 we tend to want to attribute it to something (White & Kight, 1984). That attempt to link a feeling to an experience is a force of habit, really. If we feel good, we want to know how to keep feeling good and if we feel bad, we want to know how to stop feeling bad. But sometimes, we make the wrong link. That\u2019s misattributed physiological arousal. Oftentimes, this misattribution can lead us to feelings of love or attraction that aren\u2019t actually there. Researchers supported this hypothesis with the Shaky Bridge Study, where participants were found to be more attracted to a female researcher on a shaky, anxiety-inducing bridge, than a sturdy one (Dutton & Aron, 1974). It seems that physiological arousal can trick us into thinking we\u2019re attracted to someone, even when we\u2019re not.<\/span><\/p>\n Falling in love isn\u2019t a one-person show. On top of feeling attracted to somebody, we have an inherent desire to be desired \u2013 a need to belong. Planting the seed for a new relationship requires some confirmation that your potential partner is interested in you too (Aron & Tomlinson, 2018). Our perceptions of how other people feel about us are crucial to navigating love, attraction, and relationships. This motivation to be liked by others may be partially explained by the self-expansion model, which argues people are motivated to broaden the self through close relationships (Aron & Tomlinson, 2018). According to this model, our self-concept is influenced by the way we perceive others and the way they perceive us (Aron & Tomlinson, 2018). These two self-concepts combine to create a \u201crelational self\u201d, which you send off into the world of love and romance.<\/span><\/p>\n Now if you\u2019ve gotten this far, or if you\u2019ve fallen in love, you might be wondering\u2026how do I<\/span> stay<\/span><\/i> in love? Let\u2019s talk some more about maintaining romantic relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n Staying in Love: Foundations of Sustaining Romantic Relationships (Evan)<\/b><\/p>\n Hookups and hangouts evolve into the \u201ctalking stage\u201d and then, maybe, becoming \u201cofficial.\u201d After all the flirtation, excitement, and buildup of a new prospective relationship, it is time to take things to the next level, but, what does this even mean?! Maybe you\u2019ve experienced a craving for commitment from the person you\u2019ve been seeing or perhaps an overwhelming fear of it. Either way, entering a committed relationship might mean things are about to get real, but the fun and flirtation don\u2019t need to go away. What is the perfect balance between seriousness and commitment, and playfulness and individuality? Frankly, there is not a perfect formula for romantic relationship success and it varies heavily by couple, but research has uncovered a few common threads on which to focus.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n In 1997, psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the Triangular Theory of Love which pinpoints intimacy, passion, and commitment as the building blocks of deep romantic connection (Sternberg, 1997). Firstly, intimacy is the feeling or emotion encompassing closeness, connectedness, and bonding between a couple (Sternberg, 1997). Secondly, Sternberg describes passion as the driving force behind intimacy, primarily in the context of sex (Sternberg, 1997). The last point of the triangle, commitment, means \u201cin the short-term, to the decision that one loves a certain other, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love\u201d (Sternberg, 1997). I\u2019d argue a more symmetrical-shaped theory for love to thrive long-term. His primary three elements are convincing and important contributing factors in romantic relationships, but there are two crucial pieces that appear absent from the Triangular Theory of Love. Maybe the triangle should be restructured into a square keeping intimacy and commitment at the top, but adding trust and communication on the bottom, as necessary to achieve intimacy and commitment, with passion bouncing around in the middle. Sometimes passion fills up the whole square, sometimes it\u2019s in a ball in the corner – over time, passion comes and goes, sometimes it changes, sometimes it\u2019s barely hanging on, and sometimes it comes roaring back. Passion evolves as love evolves in a long-term romantic relationship, but the foundations of lasting love are trust, communication, intimacy, and commitment.<\/span><\/p>\n Research shows that intimacy goals and readiness are key predictors of relationship initiation and partner selection, so this is something to keep in mind when looking to take that next step in your relationship (Sanderson et al., 2007). Intimacy can look and feel different for everybody; it can mean emotional vulnerability, sexual intimacy, mutual affection, general closeness, or a combination of the above (Mosier, 2006). But, however you view intimacy, it is imperative that it is mutually felt to ensure closeness and connectedness between partners. Commitment, as defined by Sternberg, ultimately comes down to a continued effort by both parties to make the relationship work. A study shows that when one partner evidently makes investments (time, energy, etc.) in the relationship, it inspires the other partner to commit further to the relationship and can spur a sort of cycle (Joel et al., 2013). Next, intimacy and commitment are unachievable without trust – \u201ctrust may be the single most important ingredient for the development and maintenance of happy, well-functioning relationships\u201d (Simpson, 2007). A lack of trust diminishes support, commitment, effort, communication, and intimacy between romantic partners (Arikewuyo et al., 2021). So, if you ever find yourself tempted to go snooping through your partner\u2019s phone, this could be a major red flag that there is a lack of trust in your relationship, and should be addressed. Last, but certainly not least, is communication. Communication lies at the base of relationship success as it allows you to express feelings, insecurities, and needs and, ultimately, is the primary tool in conflict resolution. There are many nuances to these four key elements, but if you have all the points in the square, you are setting yourself up for a stable and strong relationship. But, if one point in the square is missing, things might get wobbly.<\/span><\/p>\n The End: Finding the Rainbow After the Rain (Ava)<\/b><\/p>\n Does her laugh no longer sound like a chorus of angels, but rather like a starving hyena? Have you recently caught yourself singing a bit too emphatically to Fiona Apple and Lana Del Rey man-hating anthems? Is his \u201cadorable\u201d habit of coding during your alone time together no longer giving \u201csilicon valley daddy\u201d, but rather making you feel dismissed and invaluable? If you answered yes to any of these, it, unfortunately, might mean that your current romantic partner that you met in your 10:30 Gened section might actually not be your soulmate *gasp*. Though this realization may seem scary, fear not\u2013 breakups are a common, and important, part of emerging adulthood development and can ultimately lead to positive change in your life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Breakups can happen for a plethora of reasons, and even though some breakups are inevitable, there are steps that you can take to salvage a relationship. You may feel as in love as ever with your partner but feel that your relationship still feels rocky. This can be caused by either lack of expressed gratitude or conversely, an abundance of sacrifice that may be overwhelming your partner. It has been found that individuals often underestimate the positive effect of expressing gratitude to others and overestimated how uncomfortable the receiver of the gratitude would be (Kumar & Epley 2018). It may be possible that even though you feel like you are complementing and doting upon your partner enough, it would be beneficial to do so even more frequently. We often underestimate how powerful our words can be to others, so let this serve as a reminder to show your love frequently and authentically\u2013 it will be better received than you expect it to be. Conversely, you may be thinking \u201cthis doesn\u2019t apply to me\u2013 I shower my partner with affection and make it known how much I sacrifice for them\u201d. Unfortunately, this can be problematic as well.\u00a0 Acts of service and sacrifice for a partner may seem beneficial on the surface, but if not done in a reciprocal way, can cause tension and miscommunication within the relationship. Sacrificing for your partner can improve their mood and make them feel appreciated, but if done in excess, can also create feelings of guilt and indebtedness on their ends, and feelings of resentment from the giver (Righetti, Visserman & Impett 2022). The feeling of being in love is not enough to foster a healthy relationship on its own\u2013 you need to be able to express it in the way that your partner needs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Sometimes, relationships just need to come to an end\u2013 they\u2019ve served their purpose, taught valuable lessons, and it\u2019s time to say goodbye. Though it can be sad to end a relationship, it doesn’t need to be all thunderstorms\u2013 if you look hard enough, you can find your rainbow. This step is critical, as merely being equipped with the knowledge that heartache can have silver linings is correlated with a reduced rate of depression in recently-single adults (Slotter & Ward 2015). And though it may feel isolating and difficult to do so, 1 in 3 individuals in early adulthood have experienced a serious breakup in the past 2 years, and it\u2019s important that they do (Asselman & Specht 2022). It\u2019s been found that experiencing a breakup can lead to higher feelings of self-confidence, independence, and more emotional stability in future relationships (Tashiro & Frazier 2003). So despite this relationship not having a fairy tale ending\u2013 the experience of having loved and lost might prepare you better for the next person you are crushing on. Further, going through a breakup is also linked to causing higher levels of internal control belief (Asselman & Specht 2022). This may end up being the greatest gift your ex-partner has ever given you, as people with higher levels of internal control are more confident in being able to control the outcomes in their life. This trait is correlated with greater success in the workplace, achieving personal goals, and conquering various other aspects of their life (Asselman & Specht 2022). In short, love openly and often without fear of heartbreak\u2013 sometimes the most valuable lessons from a relationship come after they end.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Sources:<\/b><\/p>\n Arikewuyo, Eluwole, K. K., & \u00d6zad, B. (2021). Influence of Lack of Trust on Romantic\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Relationship Problems: The Mediating Role of Partner Cell Phone Snooping. <\/span>Psychological Reports<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>124<\/span><\/i>(1), 348\u2013365. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0033294119899902<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Aron, A., & Tomlinson, J. (2018). Love as expansion of the self. In R. J. Sternberg & K. Sternberg, <\/span>The New Psychology of Love<\/span><\/i> (pp. 1\u201324). Cambridge University Press.<\/span><\/p>\n Asselmann, & Specht, J. (2022). Personality growth after relationship losses: Changes of perceived control in the years around separation, divorce, and the death of a partner. PloS One, 17(8), e0268598\u2013e0268598. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1371\/journal.pone.0268598<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Back, M. D., Penke, L., Schmukle, S. C., Sachse, K., Borkenau, P., & Asendorpf, J. B. (2011). Why Mate Choices are not as Reciprocal as we Assume: The Role of Personality, Flirting and Physical Attractiveness. <\/span>European Journal of Personality<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>25<\/span><\/i>(2), 120\u2013132.<\/span> https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1002\/per.806<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Batool, S., & Malik, N. (2018). Role of Attitude Similarity and Proximity in Interpersonal Attraction among Friends. <\/span>International Journal of Innovation and Technology Management<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>1<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. <\/span>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>30<\/span><\/i>, 510\u2013517.<\/span> https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/h0037031<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Joel, Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., MacDonald, G., & Keltner, D. (2013). The Things You Do\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n for Me. <\/span>Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>39<\/span><\/i>(10), 1333\u20131345. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0146167213497801<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423-1435.<\/span><\/p>\n Moreland, R. L., & Beach, S. R. (1992). Exposure effects in the classroom: The development of affinity among students. <\/span>Journal of Experimental Social Psychology<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>28<\/span><\/i>(3), 255\u2013276.<\/span> https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/0022-1031(92)90055-O<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Mosier, W. (2006). Intimacy: the key to a healthy relationship. <\/span>Annals of the American\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Psychotherapy Association<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>9<\/span><\/i>(1), 34+. <\/span>https:\/\/link.gale.com\/apps\/doc\/A152760489\/AONE?u=mlin_oweb&sid=googleScholar&xid=6ccc943b<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Righetti, F., Visserman, M. L., & Impett, E. A. (2022). Sacrifices: Costly prosocial behaviors in romantic relationships. <\/span>Current Opinion in Psychology<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>44<\/span><\/i>, 74-79.<\/span><\/p>\n Sanderson, Keiter, E. J., Miles, M. G., & Yopyk, D. J. A. (2007). The association between\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n intimacy goals and plans for initiating dating relationships. <\/span>Personal Relationships<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>14<\/span><\/i>(2), 225\u2013243. https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/j.1475-6811.2007.00152.x<\/span><\/p>\n Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current Directions in Psychological\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Science, 16(5), 264\u2013268.<\/span><\/p>\n Slotter, & Ward, D. E. (2015). Finding the silver lining. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(6), 737\u2013756. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0265407514546978<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n Sternberg. (1997). Construct validation of a triangular love scale. <\/span>European Journal of Social\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Psychology<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>27<\/span><\/i>(3), 313\u2013335. https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1002\/(SICI)1099-0992(199705)27:3<313::AID-EJSP824>3.0.CO;2-4<\/span><\/p>\n Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). “I’ll never be in a relationship like that again”: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113\u2013128. <\/span>https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/1475-6811.00039<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n