{"id":251,"date":"2022-04-01T23:58:54","date_gmt":"2022-04-02T03:58:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/?p=251"},"modified":"2022-04-02T00:01:42","modified_gmt":"2022-04-02T04:01:42","slug":"the-relationship-advice-you-didnt-ask-for-but-need","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/socialconnection\/2022\/04\/01\/the-relationship-advice-you-didnt-ask-for-but-need\/","title":{"rendered":"The Relationship Advice You Didn\u2019t Ask For, But Need"},"content":{"rendered":"

Kayla<\/b>:<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure many of us are familiar with (or secretly binge-watch) reality dating shows. Clearly, people enjoy watching others fall in love\u2013<\/span>The Bachelor<\/span><\/i>, the original show of this kind, attracts millions of viewers each season. So why is it so hard to find love like that in real life? Many people idealize dating shows and compare them to their own love lives, however, it\u2019s important to remember just how unrealistic they are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Fundamentally, the show is designed to harbor many false feelings of attraction and love. The couples travel the world and go on outrageous dates: we\u2019ve seen hot air balloon rides, sky diving, bungee jumping, and more. However, when participants have these wild experiences on just the first or second date, it\u2019s more than possible that their adrenaline rushes and states of high arousal may be confused for romantic and\/or sexual attraction.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Schachter-Singer two-factor theory of emotion\u2013the idea that emotions are the sum of your physical reaction and a cognitive label\u2013is the reasoning behind this concept. So if we attached the wrong label to our current state, we can mix up what we are actually feeling. In 1962, Schachter & Singer injected study college students with either adrenaline or a placebo fluid. Some of those who received the adrenaline were informed of truthful possible side effects, while others were told random side effects or nothing at all. After completing several mundane tasks, those who <\/span>knew<\/span><\/i> the adrenaline would heighten their arousal reported feeling <\/span>less <\/span><\/i>anger and frustration. Schachter & Singer believed this to be because those unaware of how the adrenaline would make them feel inaccurately attributed their heightened arousal to emotions, not the drug (Schachter & Singer, 1962).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two-factor theory of emotion was put in the context of romantic relationships with the 1974 \u201cshaky bridge\u201d study discussed in our lecturette. Here, male participants were more attracted to and were more likely to afterward reach out to a female interviewer if their conversation occurred on the middle of a long, shaking suspension bridge rather than a stable one (Dutton & Aron, 1974).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So, of course Clayton and Susie fell in love after just 3 dates\u2013they traveled the world together, rode in helicopters, and swam in hot springs. It seems unlikely that they would have had an equally epic love story if they had just been walking the dog and going to the grocery store like every other couple in America. Therefore, it is certainly not out of the question that <\/span>Bachelor <\/span><\/i>producers purposely create such high-adrenaline scenarios for couples in order to foster relationships that otherwise may not be very strong\u2013in other words, keep their emotions high to produce that much more drama. You\u2019ve got to make good TV one way or another!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The final verdict: all of these shows should be taken with a grain of salt. And keep in mind, next time you go on a first date that involves falling through the sky, be careful to not misinterpret your fear for love\u2014unless you plan on skydiving for the rest of your life!<\/span><\/p>\n

Gayoung<\/b>:
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Can you guess what my exes and my current boyfriend all have in common? If you answered \u201ctheir incredibly good taste in a woman,\u201d I love you, and yes, that is true. But the real answer is that each of them has told me this:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n


\nGuilty as charged! But am I ashamed? No! And if you\u2019ve ever been called needy or have called someone else needy or if someone has ever told you that they wish you were more needy, then this is for you. Yes, you. Because I\u2019m going to share with you guys something that changed my entire perspective on dating, and I hope that each one of you can use it to understand yourself and\/or your (future) partner better.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve taken an introductory psychology course, you might recall a theory about attachment, which is described as a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings (Bowlby, 1969). Psychologist Mary Ainsworth observed how infants reacted when they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers. She and her team found that their reactions tended to fall within one of three groups: secure (actively seeking and maintaining proximity with the mother), avoidant (little to no tendency of seeking proximity with the mother), or ambivalent (anxious and unconfident about their mothers\u2019 responsiveness).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As it turns out, these attachment styles can translate into adult romantic relationships (Hazan & Shaver, 1987):<\/span><\/p>\n