{"id":178,"date":"2006-10-08T16:10:48","date_gmt":"2006-10-08T20:10:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.law.harvard.edu\/shlep\/2006\/10\/08\/divorce-mediation-mutual-self-help\/"},"modified":"2006-10-08T17:35:50","modified_gmt":"2006-10-08T21:35:50","slug":"divorce-mediation-mutual-self-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/2006\/10\/08\/divorce-mediation-mutual-self-help\/","title":{"rendered":"divorce mediation: mutual self-help"},"content":{"rendered":"
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
The newest Nolo Law in Plain English<\/a><\/em> podcast was posted yesterday, and asks the question <\/font>Do Dads Get a Fair Shake in Divorce?<\/font><\/a>\u00a0(with Paul Mandelstein, author of “<\/font>Always Dad<\/em><\/font><\/a>: Being a Great Father During & After Divorce,<\/em>” (Nolo). The podcast\u00a0“discusses issues of custody, fairness, ‘right speech,’ and the effect of past actions on divorce decisions.”\u00a0 (Oct. 7, 2006, 12 min.)\u00a0 Although it’s a good one (ask ethicalEsq<\/a><\/em>), I don’t want to opine on the question presented by Mandelstein.\u00a0 Instead, I want to suggest that divorce (or custody\/visitation) mediation can often be the best way to create a parenting plan that is fair to both of the parents and to the child, while avoiding some of the worst aspects of litigating family law issues.\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/font><\/div>\n
<\/font><\/font>\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
To me,* <\/strong>divorce mediation can be seen as “mutual self-help<\/em>” for couples with children who\u00a0have separated.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The <\/font>Alaska Court System mediation page<\/font><\/a> has an excellent introduction to mediation, and what it can and can’t do for a\u00a0divorcing (or otherwise estranged)\u00a0couple.\u00a0 It’s answer to the question What is Mediation? is a good one: “<\/font><\/font>Mediation is an informal, voluntary and confidential way to resolve disagreements without giving the decision-making power to someone else, like a judge. A neutral person, called the mediator, helps people: figure out the important issues in the disagreement; explain and understand each others’ needs; clear up misunderstandings; explore creative solutions; reach acceptable agreements.”\u00a0 Most important:\u00a0“The mediator does not tell the parties what to do, or make a judgment about who’s right or wrong. Decision-making stays with you.”\u00a0\u00a0<\/font><\/font>\u00a0\u00a0<\/font>\u00a0<\/font><\/font><\/font>\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/p>\n
You can find information about\u00a0mediation at\u00a0the websites of many courts.\u00a0 Use our SideBar to\u00a0help locate relevant webpages.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Nolo’s <\/font>Divorce Mediation FAQ<\/font><\/a> and discussion <\/font>Will Divorce Mediation Work for You?<\/font><\/a> are also worth a look, if you are considering using mediation.\u00a0\u00a0<\/font><\/font>\u00a0\u00a0<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n
Beyond asking “Do you want to send your<\/em> children to college or your lawyers’ children to college?”, there are two\u00a0points\u00a0that I always made to my divorce mediation clients that are worth repeating: (1) it always helps to know the law when you’re going to be negotiating legal issues — so, seek out self-help materials or advice from a lawyer before sitting down to mediation.<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/div>\n
<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/div>\n
. . . . . And, (2) divorcing is much more a personal and family crisis than a legal crisis, and very few people know instinctively how to do the job of parenting after separating — so, do some “two home” homework, for your sake and your child’s.\u00a0\u00a0 There are a lot of good books about parenting after divorce.\u00a0 There are also some websites with good, practical advice, such as <\/font>Parents are Forever<\/font><\/a>, hosted by Dr. Shirley Thomas, author of the excellent\u00a0<\/font>book<\/font><\/a> of the same title.\u00a0\u00a0 You might also consider my own short\u00a0monograph, <\/font>Tips for Parenting Apart<\/font><\/a>, which discusses the goal of creating a “businesslike” co-parent partnership and includes quite a few Do’s and Don’ts.\u00a0 Also, many court and private sources have seminars and programs about co-parenting (with names such as <\/font>Children in the Middle<\/font><\/a> and Parenting-Apart.\u00a0 Please consider taking them, and remember that\u00a0a bad co-parenting situation can often\u00a0start to improve even when just one of the parents (and it’s usually the more reasonable one)\u00a0takes one of these courses.<\/font><\/font>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n
\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
_________________________________________________<\/font><\/div>\n
* Admittedly, I’m biased on the issue of litigating vs.mediating divorces (even though retired): Volunteer work for the D.C. Superior Court “Multi-door” Family Mediation<\/font><\/a> program, in 1987 and 1988, led me to switch from antitrust\u00a0to family law,\u00a0with the goal of creating a divorce mediation practice.\u00a0\u00a0 Then, representing scores of children in Family Court custody and visitation disputes, and in contested divorces,\u00a0gave me a close-up view of\u00a0how wrong-headed litigation (and lawyers) can be in such cases — while my own mediation practice demonstrated that even two angry people can very often be helped to reach agreements that, for the sake of their children,\u00a0they both want to make successful.<\/font>\u00a0 <\/font><\/font><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/div>\n

<\/font><\/div>\n

<\/font><\/font><\/div>\n

<\/font><\/p>\n

<\/font><\/font><\/div>\n

<\/font><\/div>\n

<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0 The newest Nolo Law in Plain English podcast was posted yesterday, and asks the question Do Dads Get a Fair Shake in Divorce?\u00a0(with Paul Mandelstein, author of “Always Dad: Being a Great Father During & After Divorce,” (Nolo). The podcast\u00a0“discusses issues of custody, fairness, ‘right speech,’ and the effect of past actions on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":437,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[896,900],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-178","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-resources-consumer","category-viewpoint"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/178","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/437"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=178"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/178\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=178"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=178"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/shlep\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=178"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}