![](\"http:\/\/cyber.law.harvard.edu\/blogs\/static\/dowbrigade\/Prisoup.gif\")
Scene: A PTA conference in 2012.<\/p>\n
Concerned mother: I know this is the best school in the district, but
\n I’m a bit concerned about my darling Phoebe’s academic progress. Thanksgiving
\n is coming up and Phoebe’s says you haven’t done any math yet at all!<\/p>\n
8th Grade Teacher: Well, Mrs. McGillicutty, that is technically correct. As
\n you know, the first segment of the school year is devoted to Intelligent
\n Design, because as President Bush said, we have to present all the alternatives
\n to Evolution, and let the kids decide for themselves.<\/p>\n
Concerned mother: Yes, I understand that, and I remember when the other
\n Bush, was it the second or the third, changed the law to include alternatives
\n in the curriculum, but…<\/p>\n
8th Grade Teacher: But after we finished with intelligent design, we had
\n to cover all the other alternatives. The second half of September and
\n the first half of October we spent on the Classic Creation Theories – the
\n ancient Sumerarian theory which tells of the great battle between the sky
\n god Marduk and the earth goddess Tiamat, the Egyptian story of Atum, the
\n creator, and the Greek module, which I rather enjoyed, as their theory is
\n that Love came first and is responsible for the rest of creation. At least they dropped that damned Hittite perversion
\n from the curriculum. I
\n think the part that got them was…..(reads from a well-worn reference work
\n on her bookshelf)<\/p>\n
He (Kumarbi) bit his "knees" and his manhood went down into
\n his inside. When it lodged there (and) when Kumarbi had swallowed Anu’s
\n manhood, he rejoiced and laughed. Anu turned back to him, to Kumarbi he
\n began to speak: "Thou rejoicest over thine inside, because thou hast
\n swallowed my manhood.<\/p>\n
Concerned Mother: Well, I can certainly see why! But it still seems like
\n you could have found some time for Math. Phoebe’s also said there was no
\n Science so far…<\/p>\n
Teacher: Science? What do you think these evolutionary alternatives are!
\n Just because a group of thinkers doesn’t wear white lab coats or work at
\n Ivy leagues universities doesn’t mean they aren’t scientific. We
\n can’t just IGNORE their theories because they don’t fit with some Godless
\n ideas of "science". We can’t skip over the Native American theories, that would be Eurocentric and racist! The Five Tribes of the Iroquois, for example, have a theory that
\n we evolved on the back of a giant turtle.<\/p>\n
Actually, the Native American Module won’t be finished until Christmas. There
\n are 47 separate theories to cover in that unit alone. This week we are discussion
\n the Huron theory, which involves a waterworld scenario until a celestial
\n woman is dropped into the ocean. Then we move on to the Aztec theory, which
\n features a cute character called
\n Coatlique the Lady of the Skirt of Snakes who was created in the image
\n of the unknown,
\n decorated
\n with skulls, snakes, and lacerated hands. And then the Mayan flood stories.<\/p>\n
Mother: My goodness, it’s a wonder you manage to teach anything else!<\/p>\n
Teacher: We don’t! After President Rice passed the Equality in Educational
\n Debate Act, we had to include the main theories to offer an alternative
\n to godless science. It was a good idea at first, but then all the
\n special interest groups started demanding that their own theories be included. First
\n it was the American Stock Movement getting the Norse theory involving fire
\n and ice and the primeval giant Ymir.<\/p>\n
Then, of course, the NAACP demanded that the entire month of February,
\n being Black History month, be devoted to African creation theories. We
\n cover the Yoruba, Mande, Olori, Abaluyia, Zulu and Bantu.<\/p>\n
In March, we do the Hawaiian theory about Pele, and her magic stick
\n Pa’oa, and the Alaskan Intuit tradition involving a man with a Raven’s head
\n and beak. After that we move on to a module on our friends in Asia –
\n old best friend Japan, who say the eternal land ruler, Kunitokotatchi,
\n stood on the
\n floating bridge of heaven and stirred the ocean with a jeweled spear until
\n it curdled, which created the first island, Onokoro, and our new best friend,
\n China, who maintain that an intelligent Heavenly King spit into his hand,
\n clapped, and started the whole creation process.<\/p>\n
Hopefully, by May, we may have time for some math and English before we
\n break for summer vacation, when we teachers have to go back to school for
\n three months of intensive training in the latest state ordained curriculum
\n adjustments.<\/p>\n
But don’t worry, Mrs. McGillicutty, Phoebe’s is not in danger of falling
\n behind other kids in the college entrance competition – thanks to the Supreme
\n Court, every kid in the country is doing the same thing. Thank God,
\n by the end of the school year they will be able to make up their own minds
\n about who they are and where they came from.<\/p>\n
Concerned Mother: I suppose. At least, it’s just this year that they are
\n studying biology, right?<\/p>\n
Teacher: Well, actually, next year we will be studying Environmental
\n Science, and the Senate is considering legislation requiring schools to present
\n alternate theories on Global Warming, the effects of dioxin, Declining Species
\n (endangered is so ‘negative’), Biodiversity and the Transformation of the
\n Rain Forest.<\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Scene: A PTA conference in 2012. Concerned mother: I know this is the best school in the district, but I’m a bit concerned about my darling Phoebe’s academic progress. Thanksgiving is coming up and Phoebe’s says you haven’t done any … Continue reading