The call came in on Sunday morning, interrupting the time honored ritual of newspapers, coffee and pastries in bed. The unfamiliar female voice asked in halting, heavily accented English, \u201cIs you Michol?” It turned out to be a friend of a distant cousin of Norma Yvonne, who claimed she knew us when we lived in Guayaquil, and who now, apparently, resided in Orlando.<\/big><\/p>\n
I vaguely remembered her. Short, dark and sweet, a description that could apply to 90% of Ecuadorian women. Married to a guy called \u201cel Chino\u201d, ten years ago they ran the snack bar on the campus of the Holy Spirit University, where the Dowbrigade was head of the English Department and Norma Yvonne was the University Registrar. In Ecuador, anyone with slanty or squinty eyes is called \u201cChino\u201d.<\/big><\/p>\n
In the intervening decade, el Chino died and Mercy moved to Florida, where she met a Gringo, got married, and now is thinking of moving back to Ecuador. She ran on and on, in Spanish, telling me her life story.<\/big><\/p>\n
We thought, \u201cWhy is she telling me all of this?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We said, \u201cWould you like to talk to Norma?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Norma, who was traipsing around the apartment in a devastating crepe sun dress, was vigorously shaking her head and wagging her finger in the international gesture for \u201cI\u2019m not here!\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cNo, actually,\u201d stammered Mercy, \u201cI wanted to talk to you. Or rather, I want you to talk to my husband. Since he\u2019s a Gringo, and you\u2019re a Gringo, I thought maybe you could talk to him and tell him about Ecuador.\u201d She sounded strangely desperate.<\/big><\/p>\n
We thought, \u201cShe wants to take him back to Ecuador but he\u2019s scared of the jungle diseases and savage tortoises. We should hang up.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We said, \u201cI\u2019d be happy to speak to him. Put him on.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
Best to bite the bullet and get it over with a quickly as possible, we figured. Misanthropic in general, the Dowbrigade regards talking to people he doesn\u2019t know on the phone at the behest of relatives he barely knows as one rung above taking cold calls from script-reading Mongolians at dinnertime.<\/big><\/p>\n
But Mercilessly, Mercy went on. \u201cHe\u2019s really a very nice person. Although everybody probably says that about their husbands.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We thought, \u201cWhy is she apologizing for him already? I haven\u2019t heard anything bad yet.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We said, \u201cI\u2019m sure Eva Braun thought Hitler was a wonderful fellow.\u201d
\nShe said, \u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We thought, \u201cWhat am I doing? She probably thinks I\u2019m talking about people we know in Guayaquil. The last thing we want to be doing on a Sunday morning is discussing the personal life of Adolph Hitler with this woman!\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We said, \u201cNever mind. Let me talk to your husband.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
When we finally got him on the line, we got right to the point. \u201cMercy tells us you are thinking of relocating to Ecuador. What can I tell you about?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cI was mostly interested in the job possibilities down there, and the cost of living. Stuff like that.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cWell, the job possibilities depend on the particular area in which you want to work. What field are you in?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cActually, I have experience in many different fields. As my Grandfather used to say, a jack of all trades and master of none, ha ha.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We thought, \u201cLoser.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We said, \u201cThat\u2019s really useful. Where are you working now, if you don\u2019t mind my asking, and what kind of work do you plan to look for in Guayaquil?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
He said, \u201cLaw Enforcement\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We thought, \u201cSecurity guard\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
We said, \u201cWe can\u2019t really recommend public law enforcement as a profession in South America. They don\u2019t receive much in the way of salaries and subsist on bribes and extortion. A lot of them make a little extra on the side working nights with the death squads. There isn\u2019t a lot of job security, though \u2013 a lot of them end up in jail, the ones that don\u2019t get shot because the drug gangs are much better armed.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t say anything, which we took as encouragement to continue on.<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cOf course, there is always a market for private security and bodyguards. Especially right now, since the big kidnapping gangs from Colombia have started to branch out across the border into Ecuador. Those guys are really savage, they usually cut off the victims left hand and send it to the family to show they are serious. If you don\u2019t pay, they cut off the head and send that. Just about everyone with money has a few bodyguards with them at all times these days. Most millionaires keep a few guards at home as well, since the big gangs sometimes attack their mansions with battering rams to smash the steel doors and heavy automatic weapons to discourage resistance. There are usually a lot of openings since turnover is high. Are you good with a gun?\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cWow,\u201d he sounded stunned, \u201cI didn\u2019t realize things were so out of control down there.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, well, there are a lot of guns and violence, but the people really like Americans, and the cost of living is quite reasonable. You can rent a house for $400 or $500, and you can\u2019t spend $20 in a good restaurant, unless you drink.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cSounds like you\u2019d need a drink, once in a while.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cToo true, but you\u2019ve got to be careful because the muggers can smell the booze a block off and congregate like piranhas smelling blood in the water.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cWell, thanks for the info. I\u2019ll put Mercy back on.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n
\u201cNot necessary. Tell her to call back some evening. We\u2019re sure Norma would LOVE to hear from her.\u201d<\/big><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The call came in on Sunday morning, interrupting the time honored ritual of newspapers, coffee and pastries in bed. The unfamiliar female voice asked in halting, heavily accented English, \u201cIs you Michol?” It turned out to be a friend of … Continue reading