{"id":1070,"date":"2003-07-26T01:48:39","date_gmt":"2003-07-26T05:48:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.law.harvard.edu\/dbnews\/mental-health-hotline\/"},"modified":"2003-07-26T01:48:39","modified_gmt":"2003-07-26T05:48:39","slug":"mental-health-hotline","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/mental-health-hotline\/","title":{"rendered":"Mental Health Hotline"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a name='a406'><\/a><\/p>\n<p>THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE!<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.<\/p>\n<p>If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.<\/p>\n<p>If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.<\/p>\n<p>If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.<\/p>\n<p>If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line<br \/>\nso we can trace your call.<\/p>\n<p>If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the<br \/>\nmother ship.<\/p>\n<p>If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you<br \/>\nwhich number to press.<\/p>\n<p>If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn&#8217;t matter which number you press&#8211;no<br \/>\none will answer.<\/p>\n<p>If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.<\/p>\n<p>If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a<br \/>\nrepresentative comes on the line.<\/p>\n<p>If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,<br \/>\ndate of birth, social security number, and your mother&#8217;s maiden name.<\/p>\n<p>If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.<\/p>\n<p>If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or<br \/>\nbefore the beep. Or, after the beep. Please wait for the beep.<\/p>\n<p>If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.<\/p>\n<p>If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.<\/p>\n<p>If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.<\/p>\n<p>If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.<\/p>\n<p>If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy<br \/>\nto talk with you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/mental-health-hotline\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":299,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1070","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1070","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/299"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1070"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1070\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/archive.blogs.harvard.edu\/dowbrigade\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}